The Empty Vase
by angelbud2233
Summary: ....I'm like an empty vase forgotten in the corner. On the outside it shows beauty and some sort of mood. A clever diguise. Because if you take a look inside, then you'll see that its empty and hollow....[PG-13 for some cursing]
1. Introduction

(A/N: I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff. Only she does.)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 1: Introduction.  
  
Have you ever felt that you wanted to cry so much and so hard, but just couldn't? I have. But I won't let myself cry. I can't let myself show any sign of weakness. If I did, who knows who might try to break through the hard exterior I had worked so hard to create to protect myself. But some times, when the pain inside me grows even more than usual, it feels like I'm about to burst if I don't let it all out. When I start to feel like that, I let myself go numb. I just stare at the floor or wall with a blank expression and I get a glazed look in my eyes.  
  
You're probably wondering what I'm going on about, and who I am. Well, I'm just that one girl in that large group that doesn't say anything. The girl that looks on and stays quiet. The girl that has so many friends, but still feels empty inside. I'm like an empty vase forgotten in the corner. On the outside it shows beauty and some sort of mood. A clever diguise. Because if you take a look inside, then you'll see that its empty and hollow. But no one has ever seen the inside. I won't let anyone. If you were to have just randomly met me somewhere, you would see my artificial smile that I prefected over the years. You'll see me stand tall and confident, but inside I feel like I'm about to collapse. And you'll see me chatting and laughing like there wasn't a care in the world. But if people just took the time, and looked in my eyes they'd see diffrently. No, not just look, not just some passing glance, but look. Then, and only then, you'll see how I truely feel, and how I really see the world. That has always been one of my biggest flaws. My eyes are the window to my soul, the window to my thoughts, and the window to my heart. But I've learned to keep the shade down low, I've learned to keep the curtains shut.  
  
How can you really know what someone's thinking anyways? How can you really know, if you've never asked? Well, unless you're some great seer or something like that, I don't think that you can. And that thought is comforting in a way. I like that I am the only one that knows what exactly goes on in my head. If everyone knew then I might get that fake symapthy that I used to get. I don't want that. How people think that those little meaningless sorries actually help, is beyond me. I'm not trying to complain, but its true. I used to live off those little words, or anything that was remotely close to symapthy, and that's what made me so empty. I'm empty because i lived off something that was empty. So i cut myself off. I stop waiting and living for those useless attempts to make me feel better. What was the point anyways? I don't think I can remember a time when someone truelly meant that they were sorry. So I let time pass, and I let them forget that I was sad, or that I was angry. And eventually they did. But that was a long time ago. Almost five years in fact, and none have remembered since. But I'm grateful for that. I don't want their pity, like I've said before. I've grown acustomed to the emptiness inside me.  
  
But my emptiness isn't exactly one of those things you usally brag about is it? I guess not. Who'd want to feel empty inside? Who'd want to feel like I do? No one. No one wants to feel like they have nothing to lean back on. Like if they let their gaurd down, that only the worst can come from it. I used to dream and pray at night for someone to rescue me. I used to think that some tall and handsome guy would ride up on his white horse and take me away from it all. Take me away from the darkness and emptiness that I feel. I stopped deaming about him two years ago. Two years ago is when I gave up hope on that guy and dream. When I turned fifteen I just assumed that he didn't want to come.  
  
A lot of things happened when I turned fifteen. That's when some people say, that i really showed my beauty, and my anger. When I turned fifteen, I seemed to develop a lot more reasons to get angry. One of those reasons happened to have been James Potter. Even before I was fifteen, James and I were known as enemies. We were famous for it, that and having the ability to shout really loud. Although I am quiet around everyone including my friends, something inside me just explodes when I start to go at it with Potter, and that's when I become loud. I have no idea why, but he just has that affect on me. But, when I turned fifteen, everything changed. Yes, Potter and I still fought, but for diffrent reasons. We used to fight about rules and classes and grades, stuff like that. But at fifteen, he seemed to notice the beauty everyone else had, and so instead we would fight over him complimenting me. I couldn't see how he could be so shallow, to all of a sudden begin to like me just because I apparently turned beautiful over the summer. So soon, our fights grew longer and louder than before.  
  
But the thing that got me so mad with Potter, was that when we'd be shouting at eachother, he'd have this look in his eyes that I couldn't descibe. A look that made me curious, and I hated that. I hated that there was something about Potter that made me want to learn more about him. That's probably what he wanted. Wanted me to just give in to him like every other girl in this school. But I won't give in. I won't let him have the satisfaction of being the only one that was able to climb over that wall I built. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being the one to let my wall crumble. And so, I fight with him, just to make sure that he doesn't get to me with his charm or looks or anything else he throws at me. For me, all I want to do is stay safe away from getting hurt, and it seems like for him, he just wants to get me to fail. But I won't fail. I can't fail. If I let someone in too close, then I might not be able to push them back away.  
  
I guess that might be one of the reasons I hate him so much. Back in our third year, for some odd reason, he tried to befriend me. He would be nice to me constantly and try to have small talk. And that's when I felt he was getting too close. So I pushed him away. Pushed him as hard as I could away. Away from opening my curtains, or looking into that vase. Away from me getting hurt. That's when our fights started happening. And it was a routine. Everyday, I'd wake up, nod a quick hello to a few people with one of those smiles I prefected, I'd go eat and not say a word to anyone around me, and go to classes. Then, near the end of the day, in the common room, Potter would always pick a fight, and so I'd always retaliate with some sort of comment, and the shouting would begin.  
  
It's not as though I like having an enemy. Honestly, I hate it to death. Its one more reason to keep my guard up and never show my true self. Its the reason I have to watch my back constantly. It makes me feel like there isn't a single person that I can trust. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To not be able to tell a secret to someone with out thinking that they're going to go spread the word around to everyone. If I had to pick someone in this world to trust, it'd probably be Dumbledore. That's right, I trust Dumbledore more than my own family. If you want to call them a family.   
  
They're the reason why I'm so bitter and the reason I became empty in the first place. You see, me dad left us when I turned eleven. Everything went wrong when I turned eleven. Because when I turned eleven, everything changed for me. Eleven is when I found out that me, the normal girl, was in fact a witch. My dad, who loved everything about being normal, hated that his daughter was everything he was against. The next day, he packed up his stuff, gave my mother and sister a kiss good bye, and a dirty look at me, and left. I haven't seen him since. The thing that hurts the most about my dad though, is that he keeps in touch with my sister and mom, but acts like I don't exist. I've heard that when people ask him about me, he says I got run over by some truck or bus. Well, that's one of the reasons why I hate my family so much. Another is about my sister and my mother.   
  
My mother has always been a follower. The only reason why she married my father is because when she was nineteen all her friends were getting married, so she decided that she had to, too. So what all that means, is she followed my siter and father's example and decided to hate me too. So every once in a while I'll get a letter requesting my stay at my 'freak' school. Its not like they need to ask me, I would have stayed anyways. I just wish they would still be able to talk to me. Not that I could say the same for Potter.  
  
Potter always seems to know just what to say to get me mad. In a way, I guess I'm sort of jealous. He has a way with words that can either be so mean, or so beatuiful and inspiring. I've never really been able to express myself with words that well. So usually, when we're fighting, he'll end up winning. And on a few occasions I'll win too, but sometimes I think its only because he lets me. And when he lets me, that only gets me more mad. I wish that for once, I could just say the perfect thing at the perfect time, but I guess Potter is only able to do that. I guess that really shouldn't matter that much to me. Its not as though I talk much anyways. I kinda just like to be alone, and have no one bother me. But it feels like every time I try, someone trys to pull me into a conversation, or a fight if its Potter.  
  
I'm not obsessed with Potter or anything like that, but it just seems that anything I end up thinking about, Potter comes into the picture. Its probably one of those other things that he wanted to happen. Its not exactly like its hard for him. He's on the minds of every girl at Hogwarts. Although, they welcome the thoughts of him unlike me.  
  
You see, Potter has every girl in this school wrapped around his finger. He can make most of them do anything with a wink. He's tall, and he plays quiditch, he has everyone charmed with his personality, and he can get so cocky, and he has these hazel eyes. I think they're hazel anyways. I don't often look people in the eye. If I look them in the eye, they might look into mine, and I don't want that. Like I've said, they'd see that I try to hide from everyone. I'd rather have people go on believeing that I'm really happy and that I don't have a care in the world, instead of how I really feel, empty and lonely. But I prefer being empty and lonely. If I wasn't empty or lonely, then that means that someone got too close, and who knows if they can be trusted with my feelings.  
  
I can't trust anyone with them. I've tried dating before, and having a boyfriend, but it kind of backfired. Every time someone would ask me out, Potter would start yelling at them, or me. Besides, I'm kind of grateful for that. Not like I'd ever let Potter know. If he knew, that would only please him, and I don't want to be a reason that Potter is happy.  
  
It seems like I've done a lot of complaining, and you still don't know who I am. I'm Lily Evans. Student, friend, sister, daughter, and empty vase.   
  
**If you're reading my other story, A change of Heart, well sorry about the delay. One night I just started tyoing and typing, and this story just came out. I'm not abandoning my other story so don't worry. This is just a story I'll use when I have writer's block! Hope you liked it, and REVIEW! 


	2. The Letter

(A/N: I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff.)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 2: The Letter  
  
I wake up at my usual time on monday. 5:45. Every morning I wake up at 5:45. I always wake up earlier than everyone else. It's not like I use my alarm clock. I don't need it. I just wake up on my own. But I like it that way. Everybody sleeps in much later than I do, so it gives me time to myself.  
  
I sit up and let my feet hit the cold floor. Slowly, I drag myself to the bathroom and go to take my shower.  
  
I like to take showers. They always clear my head, so I can think easier. Showers are the perfect time to think. Because, while you're in the shower, you don't have any distractions and anything to bother you.  
  
So after my fifteen minute shower, my daily routine begins. I get out, and change into my school robes, and grab my latest book.   
  
Every morning I read. I read anything I can grab hold of. When I read, I'm in a completely different world. I'm not aware of my surroundings or anything that goes on. I forget who I am. And that's the best feeling in the world. I get to forget any of my problems. I forget that my family hates me. And I forget that all my friends don't know how I really feel, or that I'm really miserable. And I especially get to forget about Potter.  
  
I quietly creep down the stairs. The big red sofa in front of the fire, is my favorite spot to sit. I go there, and curl up on the couch, preparing to read. I pick up the book, and I'm about to start reading, when I hear someone coming down the stairs. If I don't say anything, maybe they won't notice or at least talk to me. This is supposed to be my real alone time, and I don't want someone to ruin that. But I have this weird feeling that who ever is coming down the stairs, is going to bother me anyways.  
  
"Hey Evans, what are you doing up so early?" Potter sits by me on the couch and I set down my book annoyed.  
  
"Not that it's any of your business, because it's not, but I'm trying to be alone." I answer, reaching for my book again.  
  
"Why do you like to do that?" I stop reaching for the book.   
  
"Do what?" I ask even more annoyed now.  
  
"Like to be alone, and shut everyone out."   
  
I don't answer him, I just continue to look at him annoyed, being careful to avoid his eyes. If I avoid his eyes, chances are he'll avoid mine.  
  
"Lily..." this must be serious. Potter never calls me by my first name. "Can I ask you something? Well, its more tell you than ask you." is he stalling? This has to be important. Potter never gets nervous. Why should he be now?  
  
"Go ahead." I nod, showing him that he's got my attention, but I'm looking out the window.  
  
"Lily, would you be ma--" his sentence is cut short.  
  
"What are you two doing down here?" someone else is at the stairs now. I turn around to see, a Gryffindor sixth year.  
  
Potter obviously had snapped out of his nervous stage, because he said in his 'charming' way, "Me and Evans were just having a chat." and he winked at her.  
  
Now, one would think that someone would get annoyed with Potter constantly flirting with them, but apparently I was the only one. But they have improved. Now, when Potter turns on his charm, most girls are able to hold back their smiles or annoying giggles until he's out of the room. Thankfully, this girl was one of them.  
  
"Hey Lily. What are you doing up?" she sits across from us on a chair.  
  
"Reading." I answer shortly. I hate making small talk.  
  
"What are you reading?" she asks trying to sound like she actually cared.  
  
Before I answer her, I look around the room to see if Potter had left, and I was happy to find that I couldn't see him.  
  
"A Knight's Tale." I murmer, trying to pick up my book again.  
  
"Sounds interesting. Well, I'm going to go. I just heard people talking and I came to investigate. I'll see you at breakfast?" she stands up, but doesn't start walking back up stairs. She's waiting for my answer.  
  
"Yes." I say, and I nod my head good-bye to her.  
  
Once I hear the door to her dorm close with a 'click' I pick up my book, and I'm ready to finally read. But another thing stops me...  
  
As I pick up my book, I see some parchment fall out of it. I assumed that it was just some old parchment that I stuck in their quickly to mark my place, but I see writing on it. I'm leaning down to pick it up, but stop mid way. After almost seven years of not seeing his writing, I still remember as if I had read it yesterday.  
  
It was the letter my father had sent me. I got it at the beginning of the year. But I never opened. I didn't see a reason why I should. Why would I want to hear what he has to say after not hearing from him at all? Maybe I should read it. How much more damage could it cause? I can't feel emptier than I already do, so it probably won't affect me at all. Yeah right.  
  
I look at the letter in my hands, and then around the room. No one is there besides me, but I still have this feeling that someone's there too. I look back down at the letter, and I see my name written on the front in his messy handwriting. It looks like he had written this in a hurry, as if he had been waiting to do it.  
  
Lily Evans;  
  
I read this over and over again. It's only my name but, it looks weird in his handwriting. I unscroll the parchment some more, and I read on.  
  
It has come to my attention that this is your last year at your, 'school'. So I have decided that I will move back home with your mother, and sister if she is still there. Since you will turn eighteen before the end of your school year, you will not need to return back to your mother's house. She has informed me that she will leave all your belongings in a storage area for you to get after school. Please refrain from contacting me in the future.  
  
Mr. Josh Evans   
  
I can't say that I expected a heart filled apology, begging to give him a second chance. But I did expect him to be even a little more nicer than that. Tears are beginning to form in my eyes, and I brush them away quickly, not allowing my self to cry out the pain that I feel. I casually walk out of the room, dropping the letter that I had just read. Then, I start to head for the quiditch pitch. Hopefully no one will bother me there.   
  
And once I make it there, I run up to the stands and sit on a seat in the back row. I grab my knees and I lean my head back on the seat and I stare up at the stormy clouds above. And I start to feel those tears form in my eyes again. I shut my eyes tight and try to clear my head of everything. But I can't. I can't clear my head and go numb like I usually do. And that's all because I can hear someone running toward me.  
  
Who ever it is, is panting for their breath loudly, trying to say something. Why did someone have to follow me out of that room? "Lily..."  
  
"Please just leave me alone." I whisper in the strongest voice I could.  
  
"Lily, please listen to me." Potter begs me, and I open my eyes to see how serious he was being.  
  
"Can't this wait?" I ask, almost chocking on my words.  
  
"No. You've waited too long, and so have I." he tells me, and takes the seat beside me.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I try to snap at him, but it comes out in a weaker voice.  
  
"Its about..." he lets his sentence trail off. Why can't he just tell me what he wants to? He has been able to for years now, and he picks now of all times to take his precious time? Why is he having so much trouble with this?  
  
"Just say it." I order him. I can feel the tears that want to fall burning in my eyes, and since Potter's here I can't let myself go numb.  
  
"I can't find the right words." he tells me nervously. What does he mean? He can't find the right words? Since when has he not been able to find the right words for any thing?  
  
I can't take this. I don't want to do this anymore. Potter's doing it again. He's making me curious about him, and I don't want to deal with that right now. I'm about to get up, but Potter says something that makes me want to stay. "Why don't you just do it?" he asks me.  
  
"Do what?" I choke on my words as I say them.  
  
"Let it all out? Just cry." he says barely above a whisper.  
  
And I just stare at him, outraged that he would say something like that to me. "Don't talk about what you don't know. You have no idea how I feel, and you have no right to question what I do."  
  
"I'm sorry Lily, its just th-"  
  
"I don't want to hear it. Leave me alone." I snap. "Get away from me! And don't ever act like you know what I should do better than me." But he's not moving. He's just staring at me, and at my eyes. So I turn quickly, and I start to run, but he's close behind me. I can hear him catching up to me quickly.  
  
He trys to stop me by grabbing hold of my waist. I never knew how strong Potter could be, because I tried to get out of his grasp but I couldn't. Maybe it was because he was just stronger than me, or maybe because I was feeling so weak. "Lily stop running."  
  
"Let go of me Potter!" I scream, and my voice echos through out the quiditch field. I'm trying to break out of his grasp, but he won't let me go.  
  
"No. You can't keep doing this to yourself." he tells me quietly.  
  
"Since when do you care what I do?!" and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. I had to get away from him, and it was the only way to. I swung my foot behind me, knowing exactly where it'd hit, and he let go right away.  
  
I didn't even hear him make a sound when he let go of me. I'm not even sure if I hurt him. Maybe he just go the picture when I tried to kick him, and he just let go of me. But whatever it was, I didn't care, I just started running as fast as I could. Away from everything. Away from dealing with my problem, and away from any kind of comfort anyone had really shown me.   
  
But I won't do it. I won't get help. I've decided that I can live with out it. There's not a single thing any one can do, that will make me feel any better. And I'm going to make sure that no one will find a way to.  
  
**Okay, I know that I should ahve really posted another chapter in my other story, instead of this one. But I like this story. And I just wanted to write in first peron for a while. Don't worry thoguh for anyone who's reading my other story, I will post another chapter ASAP. Thanks for reading, and REVIEW! 


	3. Potter knew

(Okay, I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff!)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 3: Potter knew...  
  
I love the rain. I'll never understand why most people hate it. The rain can know what you're thinking better than your closet friend. Like it knows exactly how it should rain. Because, there isn't just one type of rain. Like when you're angry, it knows that there should be lightning outside, and it should be pouring down hard. Then when you just need some comfort from somebody...anybody, all you have to do is go outside, and it'll be a light sprinkle that is so soothing. So I'll never get it.   
  
Right now its raining. Its not raining that hard, but hard enough. Its like the rain crys out all those tears that I want to shed but won't let myself. Weakness is the thing that will force me to fail. So I have to prevent that at all costs. No matter what, no one can see how weak I really feel inside. If they did, then like I've said, they can't be trusted. No one's that trustworthy.   
  
I haven't gone downstairs yet. I think I might go in a few moments. I don't know why, but ever since I got back from my little 'talk' with Potter outside on the Quiditch pitch, I've just been up in my room. All my room mates tried to persuade me to go down stairs or go eat. But I haven't. I really didn't feel like eating.   
  
I get up from my bed, where I had been sitting and staring out my window at the rain. I head toward the door, and back down the stairs, trying to be invisible. But that's a hard thing for me. Right when I walk down the stairs, Remus walks over to me, and there's something in his hands.  
  
"Here Lily. James wanted me to give this to you when you finally came out of your room." Remus tells me, and he starts to pull something out of his pocket.  
  
"Why can't he just give it to me himself?" I ask curiously, but I have a strange coldness in my voice that I usally got when I talked about Potter.  
  
"He's been up in his room all day too. He won't come down. Says he doesn't want to face anyone, and that he feels bad about something." he hands me a folded peice of parchment.  
  
I don't respond to what Remus says. I just take the parchment from him and open it. It's the letter that my father had sent me. "Did you read this?" I ask as if I were threatening him.  
  
"No. Of course not. James kinda just looked a little pale about something and handed me this, and went upstairs. Hasn't been down since."  
  
I was so angry. How dare he? How could he do that? He should stay out of other people's business. Especially mine! I can't beileve he'd do that! He has no right at all to try and intrude in my business. I didn't even say anything in return to Remus, I just pushed past him, and toward the stairs leading to their room. I could hear him calling after me. "Lily! What are you going to go do!?" But I didn't answer this either. I wanted to save my voice for when I was going to yell at Potter.  
  
I storm up the stairs as fast as I can, and I swing the door open, slamming it behind me.  
  
"I already told you guys! I'm fine! You can leave!" James yells from behind his closed curtains. He obviously hadn't realized that it was me.  
  
"Potter!" I yell as loud as I can.  
  
"Lily!?" he opens his curtains nervously. "Wha-what are you doing here?" why is he getting nervous again?!  
  
"How dare you! What gave you the right to!? Answer me Potter!" surprisingly, I'm not yelling as much or loud as I thought I would be doing. Actually, I'm starting to feel weak again. But Potter can't see that. I won't let him.  
  
"I'm sorry..I just...I already knew." his voice was as weak as I felt. He sat on his bed and he was running his hand through his hair. How could he be doing this? He was supposed to be yelling back at me!  
  
"You're sorry?" I ask outraged. "And what do you mean you already knew?"  
  
"I...I already knew. I found out in our third year." he looks out side at the rain.  
  
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hurt him so much. I wanted to make sure that he regretted what he had done. And no matter how much I wanted to do that, I couldn't bring myself to even slap him. He looked so weak and helpless, and this made me even more angry. How could he just act all weak all of a sudden, when he had always shown such confidence and bravery in everything that he did? "How?" I choke out.  
  
"I read another letter...But that one wasn't from your father. It...it was from your mother." he says in a shaky voice.  
  
"Why'd you do it?" I'm trying to stay as calm as I can.  
  
"I..I just-"  
  
"Just what!?" I can't hold in my temper for much longer.  
  
"I had to know! I had to find out why you always acted the way you did! I had to see, why I never saw a true smile on your face! Okay!? Is that what you wanted to hear?" he obviously had found his voice. He was now standing, and towering over me slightly. He was at least four to five inches taller than I am.  
  
"Then why didn't you ask?" I say this through gritted teeth.  
  
"Would you have answered me truthfully?" he asks in return, and he moves to go sit back down.  
  
I don't say anything. I wouldn't have told him the truth if he had asked. Probably, my answer would have been something like, 'I'm not feeling that well lately' or something like that.  
  
"Why don't you cry?" he breaks my train of thought with his question. He asks it as if it were as simple as 'how was your day?'.  
  
"What are you talking about?" I turn my back to him.  
  
"Don't act like you don't know. I've seen you. After stuff like those letters happen, why don't you cry?"  
  
"There's no reason to cry." and I'm surprised that I had actually answered his question.  
  
"What do you mean there's no reason to cry? Of course there is!" I shift postions so I'm staring at the door. "Look at me Lily."  
  
No! No! Don't do it! I can hear my voice yelling at me, and for some reason that I don't know, I ignored that voice. I slowly turned, and I grow even weaker staring at Potter.  
  
He stands up, and he's walking toward me. I want to run away as far as I can, but I'm glued to the spot. I stare at the floor to avoid his eyes, and he seemed to notice that I was trying to.   
  
He's really close now, too close. But I'm not going to look him in the eye. I just continue to stare at the floor determined. Although, this is getting harder. I feel my knees weakening, and butterflies in my stomach from nerves. He tilts my chin up to look at him, and I make sure to look away. Right now, I feel to weak to push him off. "Lily, look at me." he whispers almost pleadingly.   
  
"No..I can't." to my distaste, my voice is weaker than I would ever want it to be in front of Potter.  
  
"Why not? I don't think you've ever looked me in the eye. Even when you're yelling at me."  
  
"Stop it James." and my voice sounds desperate now. And did I just call him James?  
  
"Once you look me in the eye." he tells me.  
  
"No. I won't do that." I say, and thankfully my voice has a little more strength to it.  
  
"Why not? Why won't you look me in the eye?" he asks again.  
  
"I'm afraid of what you'll see." I say this barely above a whisper.  
  
He steps back from me, and once he does, I feel like someone just opened a window and a cold wind flew into the room. "And what do you think I'll see?" he moves back to his bed.  
  
"I..I don't know. You just...I just..." Why can't I even complete a sentence now?  
  
He looks over at me, and I quickly switch my gaze back to the floor. "Lily...I..." he lets out a sigh. "Did you want to say anything else?"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me before?" I'm still so angry that even if I glance at him, I'm afraid of what I might do.  
  
"Because of how you would have acted. I wasn't exactly on your good list ever, so if you found out I knew something like that...I just didn't know what you'd do. Does anyone else know?"  
  
Now I can feel my strength again, but there's a diffrent type to it. I'm still weak, but now I think I can hide that. "No. And I was keeping it like that too. Until you came along and screwed everything up for me. I can't believe you. You're the last person that I would have wanted to know. And now you're the only other person that does." I stare daggers in his direction, and I have my cold voice back again.  
  
"Lily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen like that." and he gets up again, and he walks over to me. He's struggling with whether or not he should try to hug me or not. Then, he wraps two arms around me and trys to bring me closer to him. "I just want to help you." and he sounds sincere, but I don't care.  
  
"Stop. Get away from me. There's no way you can help me. So don't even try." I jump out of his arms, and I feel cold again. It's not a regular coldness, it's like...like I feel emptier than I've ever felt before.  
  
"If you just let me try-"   
  
"No! Get it through your head! There's no one that can help me! It's supposed to be like this! You-" but this time, he cuts me off.  
  
"You won't even let me try! You won't let anyone try! When you're with your friends, I see how you look. You're not happy feeling like this! And they can't even see that! Why won't you let anyone j-" and it's my turn to cut him off again.  
  
"That's it! No one sees! No one gets that I feel like this! So if they can't even see it, then why should I let anyone help me?" I ask coldly, my back turned to him now.  
  
"I see! I could tell you were miserable! Why won't you let me help you!?"   
  
"You're the last person that could!"  
  
"Why's that?" and his voice is calm now, as if he were just pondering a question out loud to himself.  
  
I almost turn around, but I don't. If I do, then I might get eye contact with him. "Because...that's just how it is. Why do you think you can help?" and my voice is calm too.  
  
"Because I actually c-" he cuts off his own sentence. "Never mind Lily." and instead of me storming out of the room like I had planned on doing, he goes out first. And on his way out, he turns to catch a glimpse of me, and I don't turn away. Although I don't think he got a real chance to look me straight in the eye, but he looked. And I looked into his, and I saw a mixture of emotions. I saw fear, and I saw pain, and I saw love too. And I found myself wishing the last thing I ever thought I'd wish for. I wished that Potter hadn't walked out of that door. I wished that he'd turn around, and come and try to comfort me again. And I wished that he could give me strength, because right now, I feel like I'm going to collapse.  
  
**Thanks everyone who's reading this! Please please review! Oh, and read my other stories! Especailly my story with MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus! Oh, by the way, she's an excellent writer. Trust me I know. So go read her stories! There are a lot of them! Oh, and especailly go read her newest one! it's called, He Loved Me. It's soooo great! It's another Lily and James fic! Anyways, thanks again! Oh, and just a reminder, read Unkown Marauders by me and MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus, if you love drama! It's full of everything! But especially drama! REVIEW!  
  
Oh! And one more thing! Happy late birthday to EvanescentLife! I know, I really don't know her, but I read in her bio that her birthdayw as yesterday...so happy birthday! 


	4. The Dream

(I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff you see here.)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 4: The Dream  
  
I've said before, that I'm empty. I'm empty like an empty vase. But there was one thing I had never noticed before. My vase wasn't so empty after all. It had a single blood red rose. But I failed to pay attetion to it, and so it was left neglected. And since it was, the flower began to die. And that flower was one of the most important parts of me. It represented so much. The rose showed beauty, and love that I once had. But one by one those petals would fall and fade away...gone forever. I never noticed them before though. I didn't want to see that I could at one point love and care for someone. I've focused more on the thorns on the rose. Those small little thorns allowed me to prick anyone who tried to come too close, and they would stay away.   
  
But when I saw Potter walk away from me, and saw that door shut behind him, something important happened. It was like watching my father walk out on my family all over. I didn't get the full blast of it back then I guess, because Potter walking out on me when I needed comfort, hurt even more than when my father did. So when I saw Potter leave, that was it. It forced my last petal of love to fall. And everyone knows, that you can't put those petals back onto that dead rose. Because that's exactly what it is...dead. And that's exactly what I am. Dead. Not literally dead, but dead on the inside. Because now, there's no chance for me to learn to love. Or that's at least what I think. And now, I think I feel even worse. Because Potter is the one making me feel like I do. Potter is making me realize things I don't want to. Potter is showing me that I can't always be strong and hide my weakness. And Potter is showing me just how lonely I really am.  
  
I don't really know how long I was staring at that door. I think that this pain I'm feeling right now, is even worse then when I read the letter from my father. Because I don't just feel pain, I'm feeling like I had just been betrayed. I was betrayed by Potter. I thought that I could count on Potter to always try to beat me at whatever we were fighting about, and never give up. But he failed me. He gave up on me. When he walked away, he gave up on trying to help me. And I had never seen Potter like that before. And that's not the worst part. I'm starting to feel like I need to depend on someone. No...not just someone. I feel like I need to depend on Potter.  
  
I can't stand that thought. And I hate Potter more than I ever thought I could. He's making me feel weaker than I have before. And right now, the only time I think I've felt this weak and vulnerable, was when I was twelve. Because when I was twelve, I let everyone forget any pain I was going through. But Potter screwed that up for me too. I'm not gonna cry though. No matter how much I ache, I'm not going to spend any time shedding a tear. Although, what I did, was in my opinion, even worse than letting myself cry.   
  
My knees caved in benteath me, and I fell. I hit the hard floor below me with a soft 'thud', and I stayed laying there. And it might have been all the pain, or all the stress I was going through, but I went totally blank.  
  
I passed out.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I'm in a forest. The trees are so thick over here, that I feel like I can barely breath. I'm running. I hear someone calling for me to come to them. They sound so far away. They sound so far that I don't think I can reach them. Who ever they are, they're in a lot of pain. I can hear them screaming my name now. "Lily! Lily help me!" they yell over and over again.  
  
I just now notice where I am. I'm in the Forbidden Forest. I look down at myself for a brief moment. I'm wearing a long white gown. And I can see the leaves crunching and the branches snapping beneath my feet.  
  
I stop running. I stare transfixed at the bushes in front of me. There is this weird eerie light that's shining brightly behind the bushes and I know I've made it. I've made it to where all the screaming and pain was. But it's silent now. There is no yells for help, nor sobs of pain. It's silent. And that scares me more than the screaming ever did. Anyone else besides me, would take this person's silence as a good sign. But it's not. It's worse. I know it's worse. It's exactly how I am. I used to cry out from hurt to try to help the pain go away. But it didn't work. And so, I bottled it up inside of me, and hid it. No one has ever found it yet. And I hope they don't. But since I've been silent too, I know that it only means that the pain hurts more. It hurts so bad, that words can't express it. And screams can't either.  
  
I push through the tall branches, and the small thorns cut into the pearly white gown. Almost too white. The thorns on the bush cut in so deep that I'm bleeding. But I don't care. I just realize that this bush--the bush thats cutting me--is a rose bush. Although this bush is unlike any I have ever seen. It doesn't have any of those beautiful petals. It's exactly like the rose in my vase.   
  
Finally, I'm through the bushes and I'm at a clearing. Someone's on the ground. He's twitching, and by doing so, he's only getting covered with more dirt. Without warning, he starts yelling. He clamps his hands to his ears and he starts screaming. He's not saying anything though. His eyes are shut tight, and tears are rolling down his face. He won't stop yelling. He won't stop screaming. He just keeps yelling, his hands pushing onto his ears.   
  
I rush over to him, and I kneel down in the dirt beside him. Now my once crisp and clean gown, is covered with blood and dirt. I cautiously put a hand out to touch him, and he stops twitching slightly. I place his head on my lap, and slowly stroke his hair. He starts to calm down, and I let out a sigh of relief.   
  
But I shouldn't have been so thankful, so soon. Right when I thought he was better, he began coughing. He began couching non-stop. He starts coughing up blood, and he's growing weaker.  
  
"No...no you can't die on me. Not now. James, please don't go. I can't take it. James no. Stop it!" I yell frantically, and tears are welling up in my eyes.   
  
He turns to look at me for the first time, and he looks sickly. And he whispers something to me. He whispers it over and over, gradually getting louder.  
  
"I'm gone.   
  
I'm the dust in the wind.   
  
I'm gone.   
  
Just like your grin.  
  
I'm gone.   
  
I'm the hope you once had.  
  
I'm gone.  
  
Now isn't that sad?  
  
I'm gone.  
  
Like the laughter in your voice.  
  
I'm gone.  
  
And it was all your choice.  
  
I'm gone."  
  
He repeats this over and over. "No! That's not true! It's not my choice! I don't want you to go! Don't leave me!" and for once in my life, I let the tears fall down freely. It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.  
  
"I'm gone. I'm the dust in the wind." he repeats, and he coughs up more blood.  
  
"No you're not!! Stop lieing to me!! You're not leaving!" I yell angrily, and more tears come.  
  
"I'm gone. Just like the grin you had." is all he says to me.  
  
"Stop it James." I say desperately.  
  
"I'm gone. Now isn't that sad?" He stands up, and it's like he was never in any pain before.  
  
"Stop it James." I whisper, and I feel weak again.  
  
"I'm gone. Like the laughter in your voice." and he says it like I was nothing.  
  
"Why are you doing this to me James?"   
  
"I'm gone. And it's all your choice." I stare up at him, and I see that he has a large cut traveling from his temple to his ear.   
  
"No! Don't! It's not true! You can't do this to me! I need you!" I yell, but I know it's going to happen anyways.  
  
"I'm gone." and he falls to ground and there's no life in him any longer.  
  
I wake up in a cold sweat, panting for breath. I can't catch my breath. That dream was horrible. No, not just a dream. It was a nightmare. I don't usually have beautiful happy dreams that make you want to press snooze on your clock all day, but I don't have them like that. It felt so real to me.   
  
I look at my surroundings, my breathing still heavy, and I notice that I'm not in my own bed. I'm in the Hostpital Wing. And that's not the strange part. I have no idea how I got here, when I got here, or even why I'm here. My vision is coulding now. My eyes are stinging with unshed tears. And I hate myself for wanting to cry. I hate myself wanting to do anything that's weak. I shouldn't cry. That nightmare doesn't deserve any tears. But still, the tears want to fall. I brush them away and lay back down, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression.  
  
"Lily?" I snap my head toward the direction I hear my name, which was right next to me. I was surprised to see him there. I thought that after the fight we had just had he would be ignoring me as best as he could.  
  
He's sitting in an uncomfortable looking chair, and he looks really tired. His messy jet-black hair was even messier than usual. He's staring at his hands nervously, waiting for me to say something.  
  
"James..." I trail off, not realizing I had made that mistake again by calling him by his first name.  
  
"Lily...are you...are you okay now?" he asks, and I hear the sincerity in his voice.  
  
"No..." I whisper truthfully, and I keep my eyes locked to the cieling now. I'm afraid to look at Potter now. I don't think I can take it. Looking at Potter only reminds me of my dream.  
  
"Lily...you're shaking." he tells me, and I look down to see he's right. I hadn't even noticed that I had been shaking.   
  
"It's nothing. I'm just a little shooken up is all." I make the mistake of looking over at him again. "What are you doing here?"   
  
He looks up, and he trys to look me in the eye, but I turn my head slightly so I'm looking out the window at the moon. "I brought you here."  
  
"That still doesn't explain why you're here." I'm still shaking. I'm just so angry. Is someone punishing me for something? After that dream, Potter would be the last person I could stand seeing.   
  
"I was worried about you." he says softly.  
  
I want hit him for that. Who does he think he is? He can't have just all of a sudden taken an interest in my well-being. "Don't be." I try to say in a cold voice. But lately I haven't been able to do that all so well. And so my voice trembles, and the tears are still clouding my vision.  
  
"How can I not? I come back to my room to see you're still there. And you're passed out too. Why wouldn't I be worried about you?" he looks at me expectantly.  
  
"I don't know, and frankly, I don't really care either." I say and I turn my back to him.  
  
He's starting to say something, but he does the worst thing he could have done. He started coughing. I turn sharply to him, and he's grasping the stitch in his chest to try to stop his coughing. Why does the world have to be so cruel to me tonight?   
  
"Stop it James." I say in the same voice I had used in my dream. I sit up on my bed, and I stare at the floor below.   
  
"Stop what?" he asks confused.   
  
"Coughing." I say shortly, because I want to cry more now. I look up at Potter and I imagine him like I had in my dream. Full of dirt, coughing blood up, and slowly dieing.  
  
"Why can't I cough? What happened?" Potter's being concerned again. I hate it.  
  
"It doesn't matter. It doesn't concern you." I lie, but I think he noticed I had.  
  
"The hell it is. Tell me what happened." he orders in a sharper voice.  
  
I'll never know why I started telling the truth to Potter, but I did. "It was my dream." I whisper and angrily wipe away the tears that want to fall.  
  
"What happened?" and his voice is soft again.  
  
I look up at him, but I don't look into his eyes. "You were dieing. And I couldn't do a thing about it."  
  
I stood up from my bed, and I quickly start to walk toward the door to the Hospital Wing. And Potter followed me. And once I was about to make it out of the door, he wrapped his arms around my waist stopping me. I turn around, and never in a million years would I have expected me to do what I had done. I must be going absolutely crazy because I was acting insane. I didn't cry, but I was weak. I pressed myself closer to Potter and he tightened his grip. He pulled me into the first real hug I have had since I was in my second year.   
  
But I don't hate Potter for it. I hate myself for it. Because I did the thing I didn't want to ever let anyone do. I, if even it was for a brief minute, let myself depend on someone, and let them try to help me. But that's not why I'm mad at myself so much. It's because of all people, it happened to be Potter.   
  
"Lily..." he whispers, and I pull back to look at him. "I'm really sorry."   
  
"What are you sorry for?" I don't feel as weak any more.  
  
"I don't know. I just felt like I had to apologize for something." he whispers, and he turns to look at me again. And before I could have even prepared myself, or backed away, he leant in. His glasses slipped to the rim of his nose, and he pushed them back. His messy hair, was messier than natural I noticed, and a few strands fell gracefully in place over his forehead. He got closer and closer, and then it happened. I feel stupid that I didn't realize it was going to. He kissed me. And I kissed back. And it was the softest sweetest kiss I could have ever dreamt of, and I hate thinking that. Because I'm thinking that about Potter.   
  
I break apart and I stare at him shocked. "Wh-wh-what do you think you're doing?" I stutter nervously. I guess I figured out exactly what he was sorry for.  
  
"I didn't mean to! It just happened! I'm sorry. I got to go." and he just left, without another word. And maybe there's just something that happens to me when Potter walks away and out of a door. The whole room is suddenly cold, and you think you're gooing to start shivering. It's like a bright light was on, and once Potter left, it was burnt out, leaving me in complete darkness.  
  
**Okay! That's chapter four! I realized that I hadn't updated this in a while. I hope I didn't disappoint any of you. But I thought that this chapter was pretty good. And if you're reading my other story, A change of Heart, you'll notice that I didn't wait as long to have them kiss. Oh, and just a reminder, go read mine and MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus! It's amazing! I love writing it! I can't exactly speak for my friend, because...well, I'm not her! Well, yes go read it! It has so many twists and turns! Thanks and review! 


	5. Confusing Potter

(I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff.)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 5: Confusing Potter  
  
You know when you can't go to sleep because you have so many things on your mind? And you keep tossing and turning trying to go blank, but then all of a sudden another thought pops into your head? Or when you're focusing on not thinking about something and you end up thinking about it anyways? Well, that's exactly what I'm going through right now. I'm trying to sleep, because when I'm asleep I don't have to worry about dealing with Potter. I guess I'm lieing when I say that though. I still can't get that dream about Potter out of my head. I heard that stupid little poem over and over all of today. During lunch, during class, I just can't get it out of my head. It happened last night and I'm still freaked out about it. Whenever I try to close my eyes, I see Potter. No, not a grinning Potter that everyone else sees. I see Potter, lieing in the dirt coughing up blood. I see him wasting away. Dieing right before my eyes as if he were taunting me about it.  
  
I look over at my clock and I notice that it's 3:34. Someone is down stairs. I can barely hear them. Why someone would still be awake besides me at this hour, is beyond me. I sit up on my bed and I turn so my feet drop to the floor. I make my way to the stairs and I slowly head down them one step at a time. As if I were walking on glass, and if I'm not careful I'll slip and it'll break. And once it does, I'll be gone too. Just like the James in my dream. The James that made me weak and forced me to finally let tears fall. The James that I despise for interrupting my dreams to haunt me.   
  
I approach them unnoticed. I can hear them talking about something. I'm not really sure what. "No...that's not going to wo--what are you doing down here Lily?" Remus spots me and cuts off his own sentence.  
  
"Hey my sweet red head!" Sirius greets me a little too hyper for it being 3:30.  
  
"Hello." Peter says in a small voice, staring at his hands awkwardly. I don't know what it is about him, but Peter never really spoke much.  
  
Remus, Peter, and Sirius are all staring at Potter expectantly, waiting for him to say something. Say anything. Say anything that let's anyone know he's acknowledged my presence. "Hey Evans." he says barely above a whisper.  
  
"Why are you still awake? I thought everyone would be asleep by now." Remus says to me, but I don't look at him. I can't take my eyes off Potter.  
  
"I just couldn't sleep." I say softly to him. My eyes can't be torn away from Potter. And it's all because he's doing it again. He's doing what I once hated him most for. He's making me curious. I hate being curious about Potter.  
  
"Why can't you sleep?" Sirius asks me with a cheerful voice that I would have glared at him for, if it had been any other night.  
  
"Bad dream." is all I say.  
  
"What was it about?" Remus always was a gentlemen. Asking polite questions, opening doors, standing up at the table if a lady leaves. Remus is known for it all.  
  
"It was about...nothing. It was just a nightmare. You know one of those where you just keep falling." I lie. But I don't say it rushed or too slow. I don't think people have notice but when you want to lie you have to have the right pace. If you say it too quickly, it sounds almost rehersed, like you were expecting it. But then, if you say it too slow, it sounds like you're stalling. Trying to buy time to think up the lie that you expect someone to believe. So it has to be just right. And I think he bought it.  
  
I sit down in a tall red chair. Staring at Potter is making me feel weak. He's not looking at me though. He's keeping his eyes locked to the floor. "What are you guys doing up so late?" I ask in an attempt to get Potter to look up. But I don't know why I want him to look up in the first place. Why would I want to do that? That'd be like wishing to look him in the eyes. To look anyone in the eyes. But that's ridiculous. That'd never happen. I would never want to do that.  
  
"Uh...James?" Remus looked over at James for help. He obviously didn't want me to know. Why else would he have asked for James' help?  
  
"It's nothing that concerns you, Evans." James finally says something again. But he says it in his old cold voice. A voice I don't ever hear from Potter unless he's upset or angry. And he's calling me Evans again. What's wrong with him?  
  
"Are you okay, Potter?" I ask looking at him strangely, and I'm creeped out with how sincere I actually sound.  
  
"I'm just fine, Evans. Don't start with me." he says in the same cold voice. A voice that's so cold that I would have shivered.  
  
"What's wrong Prongs? You got all...well, mean." Sirius said, his cheerful tone no where to be heard.   
  
"Nothing's wrong. I told you that." Potter finally looks up. But it's not at me. It's over to his friends. What made Potter start to act like this? Not that I'm admitting that I had liked Potter trying to crack through that protective wall I built for myself. But it's not like it hasn't been crumbling and wasting away throughout the years. Although this isn't the Potter I had grown to know now. He seems lost now. Lost in the wind. Lost to the bottom of the sea. Lost to me. And I doubt I'll ever find it again.  
  
"What's your problem?" and lucky me, I have a cold voice that matches Potter.  
  
"I told you not to start." he says to me through gritted teeth and he's staring at the floor again.  
  
"No! I want to know what the hell your problem is!" I stand up from my seat and I'm looking down at Potter, ignoring the fact that it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm going to wake up all of Gryffindor tower.  
  
"Lily...please be quiet." Remus begs me. But I don't care. I turn to look at him through narrowed eyes. I turn back to look at Potter and he's still staring at that one spot on the cold floor. The floor as cold as my heart. As cold as my voice and Potter's. As cold as the world around me. The world that seems to hate me.  
  
"Come on Potter, what's the matter? Why are you having so much trouble yelling at me now?" I ask him, my voice dripping with hate.  
  
"Shut it, Evans. I don't want to deal with you right now." Potter says his voice still as cold as ever, but it's quiet now.  
  
"And you think I ever want to deal with you!? Do you think I like to deal with all those lies you tell me?! The lies you tell everyone!?" and now he finally looks up.  
  
"What do you want me to say to you?!" Potter yells and he trys to search my eyes, but I turn away too quickly for him.   
  
I don't say anything. I stay quiet. I look over to Sirius, Remus, and Peter. They looked a little frightened. I just started yelling without warning, and Potter did too. But I had to yell. I have to scream. I'm dieing to tell anyone what I feel inside. But me yelling at anyone isn't going to help me. Nothing and no one can. And I don't want them to. "Don't speak to me ever again Potter. Or I swear th--"  
  
"What is going on down here?" I look up at the stairs. It's Lauren. Lauren Williams. She's nice enough I guess. She makes most everyone laugh. But the thing I probably don't like about her is her judgement of Potter. She, like every other stupid ditz in this school, fell for Potter's stupid charm.   
  
She comes down the stairs toward us. She looks over at each and everyone of us. "Hey you guys. What are you doing down here?" she isn't exactly a moron or anything. Actually, I hear she's quite bright. But that still doesn't make up for the whole Potter thing. No one answers her questions. No one wants to. We're all just staring away.  
  
"Hey James, why's everyone so tense?" Lauren directs her attention to James, and he looks up at her. They lock eyes. There is a look in his eyes that I can't describe. I wish he'd show his emotions clearer. "It's nothing Laur. Sorry we woke you up." he stands up and he walks over to her.  
  
Their eyes are still locked. She looks up at him, and he looks down at her. And he pulls her into a small kiss before pulling away. I hate the feeling that I got for that brief second. I don't know what it is. But I hate it still. "You should go to bed." he tells her softly. And the only thing that's going through my mind is, why is Potter being so nice now? What happened to that cold sharp voice he had used with me? And I remember. Lauren wasn't like me. Lauren is someone Potter cares about. Or that's at least what he leads people on to believe. I think they've only been going out for a week, but they look so close anyways.  
  
"Okay. I'll see you later on today." she replys, and she turns and nods a good bye to the rest of the guys. Then she turns to me and says a small, "Night Lily." before heading upstairs.  
  
"Prongs, is there something you want to talk to us about?" Remus asks Potter as he goes back to his seat and continues with his old position. Staring at the floor, trying to be silent.  
  
"No I don--actually I guess I do." Potter's voice is the softer one again. "I just can't."  
  
"Why can't you?" Sirius asks joining their conversation. And Peter, like myself, just stays seated and stays quiet.  
  
And I think it's true what they say. Actions can say a thousand words. But his action only said one. He looked up at me, and he stares at me with a grim look on his face, and I stare at the floor again. And that action, like I've said, said only one word. It only needed one. Lily.  
  
"Maybe I should leave. I just wanted to check what the noise was..." I say to them all and I stand up.   
  
"Lily you don't have to leave." Sirius says to me in a gentle voice.   
  
"No really. I'm going to leave. You guys can talk." I head toward the portrait hole. I don't want to go back up to my room and just sit there, wondering what they're talking about. I don't even think about the consequences of being out this late. I don't think about how stupid I would look walking around in my pajamas. I don't care that there is this feeling that I can't get rid of.  
  
Before I leave I hear Remus ask in a worried voice, "Should someone follow her?" and I silently pray that no one will, after that portrait swings close behind me. But I doubt that any of my praying will do any good. Last time I really prayed for anything was when I was fifteen. I prayed for that one someone to come here and save me. Save me from my pain. Save me from ever needing to cry. Save me from this feeling of loneliness. Save me from this life that I made for myself.  
  
But I did make it for myself. No one forced me to live a life like I do. No one's telling me I can't cry. No one's telling me that I can't live the life I wish I had. No one except me. I could blame this all on my father, or my mother, or my sister. I could blame this all on my "friends" who are to blind and caught up in their own world to notice anything was wrong with me. Or I could blame Potter for being the only one that ever did. But I don't want to think about him right now. I don't want think about how he was nothing but nice to me. I don't want to think about last night in the Hospital Wing where he tried to help me. And I don't want to think about how he almost did, then pushed me back into a world where I alone can help myself. Where I am the only one that can understand what I'm going through. Where I am the only one that cares about me. And where I am alone. Lost in a dark room that has a light no one can ever reach. A light that could take me away from it all. A light that's almost burnt out now.  
  
I didn't even realize where my feet were taking me, and soon I ended up in the Astronomy Tower. I like it here. It's like the only company you would ever need are the stars. But of course, other students would rather have their snog partner than the stars when they come up here. I go to the ledge of the tower. I sit on the wall where it dips down into a square. My arms rest on the higher sides of the wall and my feet hang over the wall. I look down and I see the shadowed grounds of Hogwarts. They're shadowed like my my views on people. I'm sure that there is someone that I could trust in this world, but I don't see them. They're shadowed. That light in people, has been shadowed to me for years.  
  
I hear footsteps. Someone's coming up here. Like I had predicted, my prayer wouldn't come true and one of them would have followed me. And I already know who it is. I didn't even have to make a guess. It was like the sound of his footsteps were the signal to his presence. The pounding of his steps get louder and louder. And they continue to get louder until they finally stop, and I know he's made it. But I don't turn around to greet him. I don't say anything. I don't acknowledge his presence like he had avoided doing back at the common room.   
  
"What are you doing up her Lily?" Potter asks but he doesn't move.  
  
"You shouldn't care." I spat coldly. And I almost smile because of how cold I got my voice to sound.  
  
"But I do. Don't do this to yourself." he stays put.  
  
Why is he doing this to me!? That's the real question. What changed his attitude and tone toward me from the one used in the common room. "What's your problem, Potter? Why do you have to do this to me? Why are you putting on this act? Is it to mess with me? To try to hurt me in some way?" I focus on a star ahead, with a determined look in my eyes.  
  
"I'm not doing anything, and I'm not putting on some act. I wouldn't want to hurt you, Lily." and the thing I hate most about that sentence is the sincerity of it, and how he sounds so honest. But it has to be lies. They are lies.  
  
"Shut it, Potter. You know that's not true. I hate being lied to, and the lies coming from you doesn't make them any better." I turn around on the wall so I'm facing Potter. But I'm not looking at Potter. I'm doing exactly what he did to me. I keep eyes locked to the hard cold floor. "Move, Potter." I try to push past him, but he blocks my way. I hate how he's so much stronger than I am. And him being stronger only makes it more difficult for me to get by him.   
  
"No, Lily, talk to me." he moves in front of me, and he puts two hands on my shoulders and trys to look into my eyes again.   
  
"No! I don't have to talk to you! Leave me alone!" I yell loudly, and my voice echos in the crisp night.  
  
"I can't do that. Lily just please talk to me." he begs in that voice that melted hearts for so many years. But not my heart. My heart is too cold.   
  
"Why are you all of a sudden calling me Lily?" I ask trying to break out of his grasp on my shoulders, but I can't. He's too strong. He's too determined.  
  
"Because that's your name." he answers short of breath.  
  
"Then why don't you use it all the time? I noticed that back in the common room you decided to switch it back. Why's that, Potter?" my voice is so cold that I even shock myself.  
  
"I...I don't know." his grip loosens.  
  
"That's right you don't know anything. You don't know anything about me. Don't even think you do. You don't know why I have to sheild myself from people like you. You don't know why I can't cry. So stop trying to prove to me that you do. Stop trying to act like you care." I look up at him and at his face. That handsome face of his. I hate that I even think that. But I know it's true. And I can't deny the truth.  
  
I stare at him through narrowed eyes and now he's the one trying to avoid mine. "If that's what you really want, then I'll leave. Consider me gone. That's what I am to you. I'm gone." and he turns to leave, but he stops as he hears my voice.  
  
"What'd you just say?" and I'm growing weak again. That poem that was played in my head over and over that day starts to play again.  
  
"I'm gone?" he questions and he turns to me.   
  
My knees feel weak. I don't think I can stand longer. I look up at Potter for a brief second and he's looking at me with concern. And without warning, I see a coughing Potter. A coughing Potter that wants to torment me with that haunting poem.   
  
Potter comes to me quickly as if he knew I was going to fall. Because that's what I did. My knees grew so weak that I almost fell again. But he caught me. He caught me in those arms that last night I had rested in. The arms that Lauren had just rested in. And the arms that just saved me from falling. "Let go of me Potter." I say because even though he helped me up, he was still holding onto me like I would fall again.  
  
"Are you all right?" he asks with that concerned voice that I hate and finally he lets go of me with shaking hands.  
  
"No...I..I just..." I can't finish what I'm saying.  
  
"What's wrong with what I said?" and without me even realizing it, he leads me over to the wall again to sit.  
  
"You just...it was...it was in my dream." if I hadn't been in that state of mind and felt that weak, I would have slapped myself for answering him.  
  
"How was it in your dream?" James asks as he sits beside me.  
  
"It was in a poem..." and I don't need to say more. "I think I should go." and without another word, I leave first. And I just now realize that when me and Potter have our moments like this, he's the one that always leaves first. Maybe it shows that he's the stronger person. Not stronger physically, but emotionaly. But tonight, there was something different. I have no idea what has gotten into Potter lately, but I hope it goes away soon. Because whatever he's doing, it's making me need someone. It's making me need Potter. And the thing is, in someway, Potter might be needing me too.  
  
**Okay! This was this chapter! I hope it didn't confuse anyone! Oh and uh...hmmm...I'm not sure what to say! Thanks to anyone who has reviewed! Please keep reviewing like always! So yes um, click on the little blue box below that I know you see and review! 


	6. The Fight

(I don't own nada that J.K. owns)  
  
The Empty Vase  
  
Chapter 6: The fight  
  
It's raining right now. I'm not in my room watching the beauty of it all like I usually am. I'm outside. I'm outside in the midst of it all. I think it's around two in the morning. When I woke up, I looked out my window and realized that what had woken me up, is the soft sound of the rain. So I had to go outside. I needed something to make me feel better. The rain just happened to be that something.  
  
I think I've been out here for at least a half-an-hour. I know that I'll probably catch a cold by standing out here for so long, but I don't care. I don't care that I'm soaked. I don't care that my hair is damp and messy. I don't care that my fingers are numb. All I care about is the rain.   
  
I've noticed something about the rain that I hadn't before. The rain isn't just water that falls from the sky. No...the rain is much more complex than that. The rain is music. The soft noise that it makes when it hits something is music. And the song it plays, is anything you want it to be. It can be a love song for those who are crazy about that special someone. Or it could be the song that sings you to sleep at night. Or, for my case, it's my own blues. It's my only comfort.  
  
It sings to me that I'll be okay, and that I can make it on my own. And it sings that everything will be better eventually. Although, honestly I don't think it's true. No matter how bad I wish it were, I know that chances are, it's not. It's not all right. It's not a beautiful and happy place for everyone. It's not always a happy ending.  
  
Right now, I'm lieing on the quiditch field. I don't care that it's wet and muddy. I'm going to lay here anyways. I'm going to stay in this perfect little solitude until the rain stops. Until I stop hearing that music. Until my comfort goes away.  
  
But in the middle of all this, I mistake the sound of footsteps as the sound of the rain. My rain. My rain that knows what's going on inside of me. My rain that knows me better than most.  
  
Someone's standing over me. I really can't see who they are because it's so dark, and the rain is clouding my vision. But once I hear his voice, I know who it is. What--is he stalking me or something?  
  
"Lily...you have to get out of the rain." Potter orders me. Who does he think he is? Like I'd really listen to what he had to say.  
  
"I don't have to do anything Potter. If I want to stay here I will." I so kindly inform him.  
  
"You'll catch a cold, and I'll never forgive myself if you do." Potter kneals down beside me.  
  
"I missed the part where I'm supposed to care." I say in my snappish tone I had adapted when talking to him, still staring at the stormy clouds above me.  
  
"You don't have to care. All you have to do is get out of the rain. If you don't go willingly, then I'll just make you." he tells me, and I let out a cold laugh that said otherwise.  
  
"Well Potter, it doesn't look like I'm going willingly, now does it? So how do you think you're going to force me?" I ask with a smirk that only led me on to believe that I had won.  
  
"I warned you..." was all he said to me. Well that was all he said to me until we got inside. Obviously my mind had slipped the information that Potter was extreamely strong, and that he had his excellent quiditch skills. Not that I've ever seen him play. But he has to be great or something with the girls that fall at his feet. Or the girls that giggle at his stupid jokes. Or those girls that nod non-stop to everyword he says, but don't really listen at all.  
  
See, Potter did the thing I hadn't expected him to do. He turned in one swift motion and his eyes were brighter than I had ever seen. He picked me up into his arms and ran to the castle before I could even protest. Once we got inside, he was still holding onto me so tightly that I had the impression like he thought something was going to happen to me if he let go.  
  
"Put me down, Potter, or I swear you'll regret it." and slowly and cautiously, he placed me back on my feet looking down the corridor for something. I'm not really sure what.  
  
Then he turns to look at me for the first real time since we came in. "Lily...listen to me," he came closer to me and he hestitantly put two arms around me. And I hate to say it, but I felt like if I would have died, I could have died happy. And I don't think I've hated a thought as much as I have then. To think, a thought that's supposed to be wonderful, is the thing that I despise. That's what you call irony, my friend.   
  
"You have to be careful. I know you won't believe me but you have to listen. I--" and just as he's about to tell me something else, I cut off his sentence.  
  
"Get your hands off me, Potter." I say in an attempt to hide how weak I was feeling at the moment. But it must be because I'm freezing and I'm wet.  
  
"Lily you don't understand--" and I cut him off again.  
  
"No, Potter. You're the one that isn't understanding. Get off of me now." and I push him as hard as I can. And I know, that it wasn't my push that forced him off. He had let go on his own. And once again, I feel that coldness fill inside me. That coldness I hate so much. That coldness that only comes when I'm around Potter. That coldness that I've grown accustomed to now. I've grown accustomed to it, like my emptiness.   
  
"Why do you always have to start fights with me when I'm just trying to help you!?" Potter yells at me while he stares at me through narrowed eyes. He sounds honest and sincre. But I don't care. It's part of his act. This act that he puts on around me. The Potter yesterday morning in the common room was the real Potter. Sure he left out the constent flirting and putting his "charm" on, but it was the regular Potter.  
  
"I start fights with you!? Oh come off it Potter! I never try to do anything to you. Why would I want to fight with you!?" I yell, my voice echoing in the small corridor Potter had brought me to. I'm sure Filch or his stupid cat will eventually hear me, but it's all right. As long as it gets Potter in trouble too, then I'm fine with it.  
  
"Fine Lily, you're right. I'm the one that starts all the fights," and to my surprise there wasn't a trace of sarcasm in his voice, "But have you you ever wondered why I start all those fights with you?! Did you ever once stop and think that there is a reason behind it all? I'm not just some cold heartless person that likes to pick all these little arguements with you. Because I know that's what you really think of me," and he blows me away with what he's saying. I didn't expect an answer like that. But Potter isn't always what you expect. I think that's another reason why so many girls like him.  
  
"Well Potter, since I obviously can't see why...then why don't you enlighten me?" I ask with my arms crossed.  
  
And he stares at me with this look that says more than words can. A look that makes me frightened. Frightened that Potter might know more than he leads on to. Firghtened that Potter might know something that I don't want him to. "Because Lily...you're fake. You're absolutely artificial. You never let anyone see your emotions. You don't let anyone see you. And when you're yelling at me, I know that's real. I know that it's a real anger and hatred that your expressing. I don't like that the hatred is toward me, but I don't have any other choice. You won't let anyone help you! You won't feel or get any better if you don't let anyone! Why don't you just tell someone!? Tell anyone!? What about your friends Lily!?" and I know everything that he's saying is right. He's not making any of it up like I wish he was. But he's not. He can see it. He can see what others can't. He can see what my friends can't.  
  
"What friends, Potter!? Huh!? What friends do I have?! I have no one. Those people that talk to me and sit with me during class and meals, they aren't my friends. If they were my friends then they would know. They'd know that I hate this feeling." I turn my back to him and I'm going to run away like I always do. Run away from help. Run away from comfort. Run away from my problems. I just always run away.  
  
"Then why don't you let me help you?" he asked in a soft voice that I'm surprised I heard.  
  
I turn sharply and I get a good look at him. His messy jet black hair, is dripping wet, but still refusing to stay flat. His clothes are sticking to him and it shows more clearly all of what quiditch had done for him. He's staring at the floor, fidgeting with his hands. I can see the rain still on him. I watch a lone drop slowly fall across his cheek and land on the floor in the puddle already there. He looks cold and alone...and lost. "You have to understand...I'm meant to be like this. I'm meant to be this way. Why can't you ju--" and I cut off my own sentence as I hear something.  
  
"Shh Lily." and Potter comes toward me quickly. He places me behind him protectively, and backs into a wall so that he can see all sides of us. He holds onto my arm with one hand and grips onto something else in his pocket.   
  
We hear the noise again, and I see his grip tighten on what's in his pocket. What is in his pocket? Then I see a small glimpse of what it is. It's his wand.  
  
His breath starts to quicken and I feel myself getting nervous too. What's out there? And why is Potter so scared?   
  
"James...what's going on?" I whisper but he doesn't answer. He's looking down the corridor at something. He's squinting just to see it. And I just notice. This corridor is unbelieveably dark. Only the rain and the small light of the moon allows us to see. But down the corridor, on either side of us, it's pitch black. I've never seen it so dark.  
  
Something in the shadows moves. It moves toward us, and I can slowly see the outline of someone. "Well, well, Potter. What are you doing here? I can't say we expected this." and I see him come out of the shadows.  
  
"What is it, Malfoy?" Potter stares daggers at the tall, blonde, 7th year Slytherin.  
  
"I would think you would have guessed that Potter." and he lets out a low cold laugh. And as he laughs, I feel James' grip tighten on my arm.  
  
"Stay the hell away from her!" Potter yells and his voice echoes in the corridor. And the look on Potter's face has never scared me more in my life. And with a strange jolt, which only brought more fear, I realize it. He's here for me. Potter came down here to get me back to the common room and help me. But I was too blind to see that. I was too stupid to let him help me. Why do I have to be so stubborn? They've come to hurt me. No...maybe not hurt. They came to kill me.  
  
Someone else comes out of the shadows and I recognize it as Snape. "Oh come on Potter, make this easy for us and just give us the mudblood." he says with a smile that makes me want to hurt him more than I thought I ever would want to.  
  
"No Snivellus. Just leave her alone. Why do you need Lily so bad?" and I know that Potter knows that we're out numbered. Because another Slytherin steps out from the shadows.  
  
"That's something I can't tell you. Now step aside." no longer did Malfoy have his hateful laugh. He was glaring at James, with his wand out. And without warning, Potter whips out his wand too.  
  
"Stupefy!" The third Slytherin yells and I move Potter aside so that he doesn't get hit. But I didn't know, that moving Potter would put me in such a vulnerable postion.  
  
And before I even knew what was happening, Snape charges for me. He grabs me around the waist roughly and he tries to pick me up. He would have done it too, if it had not been for me kicking. I just happened to have kicked him in his most inconvient place.   
  
"Stupefy!" I hear again, but this time it was Potter's voice. I turn to see the last glimpse of Snape fall to the ground.   
  
I backed into the wall quickly, trying to get away from the approaching Slytherin that had been by Malfoy's side.  
  
"Locomotor Mortis!" I hear Potter yell again, and that Slytherin falls to the ground; his legs binded together as well as his arms. He's struggling to move, but he's just squirming on the floor. James moves over to him quickly before Malfoy can react. Slowly I see Potter's arm swing back and then hit him on the side of his head. No longer was the Slytherin on the floor squirming. He was out cold.  
  
Malfoy looks mad. Madder than I think I've seen him. His two cronies were taken out by Potter alone. And in a quick flash, Malfoy had his wand and had it pointed toward his heart.  
  
Potter stops moving, and so do I. My breath starts to quicken and I can hear my heart pounding loudly. James is just continueing to stare at the wand pointed toward him. "Cortariasta." Malfoy hisses staring determined at James. It sounds like he has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Waiting for Potter to be in a vulnerable position. Waiting to see Potter in the state he became in. And at first I thought it wasn't going to have any affect on him, but I began to see blood soaking through his shirt. His knees cave in beneath him, and the sound of him falling echoes when he hits the floor. It feels like Potter is falling forever, and when he finally hits the floor, it shockes me a little and I jump.  
  
No matter how much hatred I have toward someone, I could never wish the pain brought apon Potter, to be put on them. I'm watching Potter in horror as Malfoy's evil laugh rings in the corridor. I don't know how he has so much hate for him to put James through this kind of pain.  
  
James dropped to his knees slowly. His wand drops from his hand softly, and it makes a echoing 'thud' once it hits the floor. The blood is staining his robes red. But there's a strange patern to it. It's like someone is taking a knife to the back and slicing him. He clamps his hands to his ears. His screaming is drowned by Malfoy's laugh though. Potter is going much weaker now, and he falls to the floor completely. He's even more pale in the light of the moon reflecting on the ground. He's losing a lot of blood and he almost looks dead.  
  
Malfoy glides over to Potter laying on the floor. Potter's not moving anymore. He's not screaming. He's not crying. He's not so much as twitching. His eyes are wide and glossed over. He almost looks petrified, but I know he's not.  
  
"Poor poor pathetic Potter...you've never failed before have you?" Malfoy hisses slowly, knealing down to his level. "It's a pity really. You had a fail on the mudblood. You could have just stayed away and let us take her. But you didn't, did you? Why didn't you Potter!?" His voice is rising and so is his anger. He kicks the side of his stomach roughly, and a loud crack is echoing through the corridor. "Was it for the glory!? Was it to prove something!? Or was it just for your filthy little mudblood?" he spat coldly.  
  
But he's not saying anything. James is just letting out deep wheezing breaths. "I know you can hear me Potter! Answer me!" he orders, but Potter still doesn't speak.  
  
"Fine. Don't answer me. I hope you'll remember this though. Too bad the last you'll hear of her voice is her screaming as I take her away," is he talking about me? "She'll be screaming for you Potter. She'll be screaming because you failed her," his eyes snap to me. "Come mudblood, someone's just dieing to meet you."  
  
"Good! Let the bastard die then!" I scream as loudly as I can. Oh God, please let someone hear me...  
  
"Tsk tsk tsk...that's no way for a young lady to be speaking, now is it?" he says behind a smirk and a laugh. I can't believe it! I'm amusing him! Me dieing any minute is amusing him!   
  
He stands up straight and he walks toward me with a hungry look in his eyes. He won't wipe the grin off his face. He pushes me back against the wall completely and my head slams when it meets contact. Water and blood went flying around me. Not only am I dizzy, wet, cold, and bleeding but Malfoy's really close to me now. I can feel his hot breath on my cheek. He moves a wet strand of hair behind my ear stroking my cheek. "And what a beautiful lady you've become too. Even if you're a mudblood..." he whispers in my ear, and I shiver.  
  
I'm trying desperately to get past him, but I can't do it. He keeps me pinned to the wall, pushing his pelvis against mine. And he lets his hand drop from my cheek and down my body. Following the curves down onto my waist.  
  
"Get off me Malfoy," I say dangerously.  
  
"Now why ever would I want to do that?" he asks in a mocking way.  
  
"Now!" I yell in his ear. I guess I think if I yell loud enough, James will wake up and come save me. I never thought I'd want Potter to save me.   
  
He moves back a little, and I thought he was getting off. Was I wrong...He grips my shoulders painfully and slams me against the wall again. His grip tightens on my shoulders and I know I'm going to have a bruise. "Don't you ever tell me what to do again. Or I swear you'll regret it." His voice is so low and so cold that it sounds more like a growl.  
  
I don't think I've been this scared in my life. I have to think of a way to get away. Malfoy's going to take me and there's no way to stop it. I need to find a way out.  
  
So I'll find one.  
  
I don't know what made me think I could do magic without my wand...but I had to try. I wasn't going to give up without a fight. I wasn't going to just go greet death willingly. I wasn't going to die like that.  
  
"Accio," I whisper under my breath, and to my surprise, James' wand floats into my hand.  
  
"What do you think you're doi--" but I cut Malfoy's sentence short.  
  
"Impedimenta!" I yell with all the strength I have left in me.   
  
Malfoy flies across the corridor and he collides with the hard stone wall. The window behind him shatters as his head hits it, and glass and rain pour over the front of Malfoy's robes. Blood is trickling down his head slowly. Now Malfoy's knocked out too...  
  
I'm staring at Malfoy. I can't believe I did that. I didn't think I had that in me. "Lily..." I hear faintly and I stare at Potter horrified. He's still lieing on the floor, but he's surrounded by blood everywhere. Why is he bleeding so much?   
  
I run to his side, and I kneal down. "James please don't do this...please be all right." I know that if I don't do something soon, he might die. But I can't do anything. I can't do anything at all.   
  
I feel guilty. Guiltier than I thought I could be. Potter is lieing here, on the floor, bleeding to death because of me. It's all because of me. And I'm too cowardly to leave his side and wander through the darkness. I'm too cowardly to go get him help. I'm too cowardly to do anything to help him. And he risked it all to help me. He didn't care about the consequences. He didn't think about what could have happened to me. But I'm not like Potter. I'm a coward.   
  
That's all I've ever been. I was a coward to run away from people. To run away from help. To run away from Potter. I'm a coward for hiding like I do. Hiding my problems. Hiding from any friendship. I'm a coward for hating people instead of forgiving. It's much easier just to be mad. And I'm a coward for taking that easy way out. And now I'm a coward again. I've never been strong. I've always been weak, and my running proves it. But I can't be weak now. I can't be weak on Potter when he was so strong for me.   
  
All these years I've forced myself into believing I'm something I'm not. But Potter brought out the truth. The truth that I am weak. The truth that I need someone to help me. The truth that I need someone to take me from it all. I need someone to solve all my problems.  
  
It's idiotic of me to act like I have. But it's too late. I can't change any more. I can't learn to trust again.   
  
I snap back into reality. I cautiously glance down at James. His blood is staining the floor. His blood is piercing my heart with more hate. His blood is showing me the ever growing hate in this cold world. I do the only thing I can think of doing. I pull his blood drenched robes off him and unbutton his shirt underneath it, which I know used to be a white. Large gashes run all across his chest. But I can't look. It hurts me to look. I tighten my grip on his wand and whisper weakly, "Ferula." Bandages wrap around his chest, and blood is already soaking through.  
  
I stand on shaky legs and quickly say, "Mobilicorpus." I take a deep breath before I walk toward the darkness on the one side of the corridor with a steady pace.   
  
Without even realizing it, I started to quicken my pace and my breath grows even more heavy and short. I look back at James' body every other second just to make sure he's still there. I have to squint just to see his outline.  
  
"Ow..." I've run into someone.  
  
"Watch it. That really hurt." Sirius!?  
  
"Black is that you?" I say with an urgent voice.  
  
"Yeah, it's us Lily." Remus says from somewhere beside Sirius. "Lumos," he whispers, and his wand lights up their faces faintly, and a small section of this corridor.   
  
"What's going on? We came out here to find Pro--James and then it got so dark and then we heard screamin--Lily! You're bleeding!" Sirius cuts his sentence short and points at the back of my head. I tenderly touch where my head slammed into the wall and I feel the sticky feeling of blood. My blood. My blood that is nothing to what Potter has lost.   
  
"Malfoy," is all I say about it. "James! He's in a lot of trouble! He's lost so much blood already! We have to get him to the H..." and my sentence fades away. Fading away like Potter's life. Fading away like my hope for humanity. Fading away like me. And I fade away into unconciousness. Because all that pressure, and all that pain, and all that worry has driven me to pass out again.  
  
**Umm okay...well to answer GreyShadow's question, that poem in Lily's dream was made up by me. It took a while to think up too. OKay and now to answer orligirl's question, James kissed Lauren because they are a couple and well...I guess he was trying to prove to himself that he didn't feel anything for Lily. Oh yeah, and fr Pigwidgeon's question, James acted cold because he was trying to cover up for something. Oh and I'd like to say one more thing before I remind you to review, a big thanks to Unknown VD I love reading your reviews. Oh yeah, I haven't forgotten...REVIEW! 


	7. Finally Breaking Through

Disclaimer: I do not own J.K.'s work. We've been over this.  
  
_**The Empty Vase**_  
  
Chapter 7: Finally Breaking Through  
  
They say when you fall, you fall hard. And that's exactly what I did. But you have to know, I've been trying to pick myself back up again. I don't even think that makes much sense. Let me try to put it into words that will...  
  
When I fell in love with Lily Evans, I fell hard. But I don't want to be in love with her...I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent that. That's what I'm trying to do with Lauren at least. We've been going out for maybe two weeks, and she's a great girlfriend and all...it's just that...something's missing. I know it is. There's a huge gap in our relationship that neither of us can ever fill. But I'm not breaking up with her. I need her. She's support and structure for me. As long as she is with me, then she helps me forget about that one girl always on my mind. Lily.  
  
But there's always that little thought that tugs at the back of my mind...the thought that I'm using her. The thought that I don't want to be with her. The thought that I don't love her like she might for me. I have no intentions of hurting her...I'm just afraid that in the end, I just might end up doing that. I don't believe that her and I will be together forever. I couldn't last that long. I wouldn't be able to take those dreadful thoughts, or that unrequited love.  
  
I should be used to unrequited love by now. I've grown accustomed to it over the past two years. I've never done anything about it either. Why should I keep trying to win the heart of someone who doesn't know how to love? Who has forgotten how to love years ago? At one point I thought I could do it. I thought that there was a chance I could sweep her off her feet and she'd fall in love with me like I had done for her. I've given up that hope and dream a long time ago. But at night still, she visits my dreams...and every morning when I wake up I feel empty inside.   
  
But she must feel worse than me. Everyone she knows and hangs out with everyday, can't see that she's miserable. And the only one who does know, she despises. But that's life I guess. I just wish I could help. But she won't let me. She's too proud. And she's too scared. No matter how much she puts on that tough act, and that I-don't-need-you act, I know she's just afraid to let anyone help her. She's afraid that someone will see her for her.  
  
But if everyone wasn't so thick then they could just see it! If everyone didn't buy her stupid fake excuses then they'd see it. But no one cares to look.   
  
"Oh God..oh God...oh God...Don't!! Stop!! Don't take him! I need him! Stop it!! You bastard! Have you no heart at all!?" What the hell was that?  
  
My eyes snap open, and pain comes flooding over my body. But I ignore that pain. I know that voice; the voice that was screaming. That's Lily. What the hell could she be dreaming of?  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about! Stay away from him! He didn't do anything! It's not him you want! Leave James alone...please..." Is she dreaming about me?  
  
I just barely register that I'm in the Hospital Wing, bandaged up. All that I need to know is that Lily is beside me and that I have to wake her.  
  
I throw the pearly white sheets off of me and onto the floor, and bolt out of bed to Lily's side. Her face is scrunched up from pain, and her eyes are shut tight; her hands have formed little fists and she's gritting her teeth trying not to yell.  
  
"Lily...please wake up. You have to wake up." I shake her slightly in the shoulders, gradually shaking her harder and harder. But she's not waking up. She's starting to shake now too. I run back to my bed and grab all the sheets I can, piling them on top of Lily's shaking body. But she's still shaking.  
  
"What do you want from me!? Stop it! Stop it! You sick bastard! Leave him the hell alone! Ac..ac..acci..." She's stopped breathing.  
  
"LILY!" I shaker her harder than ever now. "Wake up Lily! Don't do this to me!! Lily!!" I grab her wrist, and check for a pulse. I can't find one though...she's gone. I won't let her leave though!   
  
"Lily!! Please! I'll do anything!" Her hand is cold in mine, and I still can't feel a pulse. She's not dead! I refuse to let her die! I refuse to believe I'll never speak to her again!  
  
My heart starts to quicken and my breaths grow short. Don't let her be dead...don't let her be dead.   
  
"James...it'so...it's so cold...why's it so cold?" I stare at Lily in disbelief...she's alive! She's alive! But she's still not awake...why isn't she waking up?  
  
I don't know what made me think that she'd respond to me if I answered her, but I did it anyway. "Where are uh we?"   
  
"James...I just...I can't...I can't see you. It's dark too. Why's it so dark? Are we going to die here?"   
  
"No. No of course not. We're not dieing."  
  
"James...we're dieing...you can't stop it. We're going to die here."  
  
"Stop saying that!" I can't believe it. I'm argueing with her even while she's asleep!  
  
"Stop denying it. I'm going to freeze to death out here...Can I tell you something?" she whispers to me with a weak voice. She lets out the faintest whimper, and her eyes close even tighter from pain. And in the corner of her eyes, I can see the smallest of tears forming. And it slides down her cheek with a twinkle, almost like it was winking at me.  
  
"What is it?" I'm not sure I wanted to know just what it was.  
  
"James! Where are you!? James!" She starts to twist frantically on her bed and there's only one way I know to calm her down.   
  
I grab hold of both her hands and hold them firmly in my own. They're so cold still. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere..."   
  
It sounded like she had just come out of cold water, because when she woke up she gasping for breath like that.  
  
"Lily...?" I'm still holding onto her hands tight in my own...I don't know why, maybe I feel like something will happen to her if I don't...  
  
She looks up at me with teary eyes. And even though her eyes are brimming with tears, I can't help but notice just how green her eyes are. They're like a deep forest green, not like I had thought before...  
  
"Lily, you had me so scared...are you all right?" I ask once I notice the silence that had developed between us.  
  
"James I..." there's a long pause, "I've got to go..." I didn't even have time to respond to that...because she was gone...  
  
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''  
  
Life's never easy, is it? When does it ever give you breaks or second chances? When is it ever fair? When will all the stupid irony stop? It's this damned way of living that always is so cruel...  
  
I shouldn't have run out like I did. I know that running only created more problems for me. Staying would have made me feel better. But since when have I ever done anything that makes me feel better? Since when have I ever put my happiness first?  
  
That's why I ran here, the Head's Room. It's the most obvious place for James to come look for me. And I'm hoping that h--Did I say I wanted hom to find me here? I'm being ridiculous.   
  
I run into the common room at a quick steady speed, having the thought that Mrs. Norris, Filch's stupid cat, was hot on my trail. I lay down on the red velvety couch in front of the fire. I hold a pillow tight to myself burring my face into the soft material, trying not to cry. It seems like so often now have I've been wanting to cry.   
  
And with this thought in mind, I completely miss hearing the portrait to the Heads Room swinging open...and James Potter walking in.  
  
"Lily?" I can recongize that voice any day. It's his voice. James' I mean...I can't take this anymore.  
  
"What do you want Po--James?" I can't do it. I can't call him "Potter" anymore...not after what he did for me. Not after last night...  
  
"Lily...I want you to talk to me. I want you to understan--"  
  
"No James. I need you to understand something." I lift my head up from the pillow it had been burried in. My eyes are watery and I'm trembling as I speak. "I just...I want to know something."  
  
"And that is?"  
  
"What do you want from me?"  
  
"What do you mean? What do I want from you?"   
  
"Stop acting stupid James...because I know you're not. Why is it...that whenever I turn around, or whatever my problem is..why are you suddenly there?" I ask quietly, as my tears start to cloud my eyes again.  
  
"Because Lily...all I want to do is help....to make you feel better...I never see you happy anymore. I can't remember the last time you actually were," James says and I look away again to the fire.  
  
"I'm never happy am I? What the hell is wrong with me? I make myself miserable and for what reason? huh? WHAT REASON DO I HAVE TO BE UNHAPPY!?" I yell as I turn to look at James. "I don't have a reason to be happy. So maybe I just shouldn't be..." I say in a weak voice, the tears brimming in my eyes.  
  
"Lily...everyone has a reason to be happy. Maybe you're neglecting yours..." James whispers to me, sitting beside me on the couch.  
  
"Why am I neglecting mine!? Why in hell would I want to be unhappy!?"   
  
I look at James, and he looks me in the eye...and for once in my life I don't look away. He dosen't say anything though. He looks sad and like he can find no way to help me.   
  
"I don't deserve to be happy. God or whoever wants me to be unhappy. So why fight it? What have I ever done that would have earned me the slightest bit of happiness?"  
  
"Lily I--"  
  
"James don't make up something. You know it's true. Look at you...I'm mean and hateful to you, when all I ever got in return was kindness? I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to even exist....that bastard of a father is right. I don't even deserve to be loved..."  
  
"Dammit Lily! Don't say that! Don't even think that for one minute. How can you let someone force you into believe something so horrible like tha--"  
  
"BECAUSE IT'S TRUE JAMES!! Why wouldn't it be!?" I look over to him again, and I feel a cold drop slide down my right cheek, landing on the pillow in my lap.  
  
"Lily...please...you know that's not true...and I hate the thought that you think that it i--"  
  
"That's because it is! When have I ever been loved!? My own damn family doesn't even love me! Why should anyone else? Why should they now when I've done everything I can to push them away?!" Another tear falls silently onto the pillow.  
  
"Lily...don't say that. People should love you for your determination...and your spirit...and...look Lily. You don't need to hear it from me. Because I know...that whatever I say, you won't listen to a word of it. You have to believe it yourself...Lily, you just have to know, that people would care if you gave them a chance..." he trails off in his sentence.  
  
"Why don't I give anyone a chance!? What am I so afraid of!?" I don't know what I expect from James...  
  
And he dissappoints me again...he doesn't say anything. Not a single word.   
  
"You know what I'm afraid of, James?" I whisper, moving closer to him. I don't know why. I have to be near him. I hate that...but I need to right now.  
  
I stare at the fire again, and I can hear him take a deep breath like he just decided something. He shocked me when he pulled me into a hug and without realizing it...I let more tears start to come. I don't know why I've started to cry. I don't even care right now. I don't care that James is the one I'm crying in front of...or the one comforting me..."I'm afraid to get hurt...or lose the people that I end up loving..." I whisper as more tears come.  
  
He pulls me closer to him again, and my breaths grow sharp..."Lily...you'd never lose me," he whispers to me...and the strangest feeling runs down my spine. I'm cold but then I'm warm...I don't know how to explain it. He's only saying that to calm me down though. I know I can't believe him, and I'd be a fool to do so.  
  
"Don't," I say quietly but firmly. I pull away from his embrace leaving me feeling more cold. I leave from his side and move to an empty chair at the table behind us.   
  
"Don't what?" he moves over to me and grabs my attention when he sits down beside me, cupping my face to look at him. And I stare into thos hazel eyes. His beautiful hazel eyes that seem to hold truth and honesty. But I can't believe it's true. Damn whoever made me lose my faith...whoever made me stop trusting. Damn whoever made me forget how to have a heart.   
  
"Just don't do it," I say with a softer tone, pulling his hands off of my face roughly and looking away from his eyes to the fire.   
  
"What am I doing that is so bad?! All I'm trying to do is help you."   
  
"But I don't want or need your help! I hate you! I can't need your help!" I think I'm saying it more to myself rather than James.  
  
"Why do you hate me so much!?" he yells standing up from his seat, staring at me expectantly.  
  
"Because you're the only person that won't quit! You're the only person who never stopped trying!" I didn't even mean to say that. I spoke before I thought like I usually do. I'm standing now too.  
  
"What do you mean I didn't stop trying?" he asks in a calmer voice sitting back down.   
  
"I pushed you away James Potter! Why didn't you stay away!? Why didn't you just leave me alone like everyone else!?"   
  
He doesn't say anything for a moment. He stands back up and looks me in the eye again. My eyes are watery as I stare into his. He looks determined. Determined for what I don't know. "Because I'm not like everyone else. I'm not just some moron that can't notice that you'r--"  
  
"Stop saying that! Fine! I'm hurting! I'm in pain! But let me be in pain like I want to be!"  
  
"Oh don't lie to yourself or anyone else anymore! You don't want to be like that and you know it!" He's right. But he has no business being right about me. No right to know things about me that I didn't before.  
  
"Why can't you be that same prick that I used to know and hate!? Why can't you be that damn arrogant jerk?!" I scream to him more tears streaming silently down my face.  
  
And he doesn't say anything for a moment...he just sat there...staring at me. Staring into my eyes. He would have said something...but I didn't give him the chance.  
  
"You're bleeding again," I point out...and it's bleeding just as bad as before.   
  
_**Hey everyone...sorry I know it's been over two months since I've updated this but I've been extreamly busy. I haven't had a day off and I just got back from a mini little trip thing. I've been going through a lot of stress lately which my best friend might know about. So I'm very very sorry for the delay. The next chapter will be up soon. Oh yeah! And if you read my combined fic ever (Unknown Marauders) it is reposted under a different name. We've corrected a lot of grammar stuff! Sorry again...but still review!**_


	8. The Past

**(I don't own JK's stuff and not gonna pretend to either! So yep! Don't own what she does...just own what I own)**

_**Empty Vase**_

**_Chapter 8: The Past_**

Author's Note: I didn't know what was going to happen when I started writing this chapter out...and so when I actually finished I came out with this. I think I came out with this chapter a little sooner than the last, although I can't remember. So I'm just going to apologize for it being so late...but I did get it out!

* * *

"Mr. Potter! Miss Evans! Where have both of you been!? Under no circumstances were either of you two supposed to leave without my permission!" Madame Pomfrey's rants begin as James and I step foot into the Hospital Wing.  
  
"We're sorry," James says in a bored voice, which didn't seem to sound too apologetic in the least.  
  
"James is bleeding again," I say in a rushed voice.  
  
I study Madame Pomfrey's slightly aging face, and see her angered expression change to one of worry. "Again?" She takes a long pause, and looks James over. "Mr. Potter, lie down this moment. I don't want to have to tell you again." Her voice seems too soft for it to be a command.  
  
"No, no. Don't worry. I'm just fin--Ahhh! What the hell was that?!" James yelps holding his stomach, wincing from the pain. He moves to closet bed to us and with no more complaints lies down.  
  
I have the strangest urge to go to his side and help him. An urge I most certainly won't give in to. I'm too stubborn and proud. Nonetheless it'd mean admitting that I'm worried about him, that I might care about him. Which I most certainly cannot. I refuse to let it happen. Caring leads to pain.  
  
"Miss Evans," My head snaps to Madame Pomfrey at the sound of my name. "Look after Mr. Potter. I have to get Dumbledore right away. This is serious. Make sure he drinks this potion." She rushes out the room leaving me alone with James again.  
  
"Look James, I don't think we're done talking yet..."  
  
"Do we have to talk now? I don't feel like explaining my actions to you much anymore after finding how much you actually hate me." His eyes close tighter in pain.  
  
I sit in the chair beside his bed awkwardly and lock a gaze to his hand gripping onto the white bed sheet, and his knuckles are beginning to turn whiter as his grip tightens. "We've talked about this before..."  
  
"No we haven't. Why do you want me gone so much? Why do you keep pushing me away? What are you so afraid of when you look at me?!" I know he has finally opened his eyes because I can feel his glare on me.  
  
"It's none of your business." It's not too. He doesn't need to be in my way or in my life.  
  
"Why not, Evans? It's about me, isn't it? So I have a right to know!"  
  
"Oh grow up, James! This isn't some fairy tale where you can come rescue me me from feeling bad! There's no dragons to slay! There's no evil people you can kill that can ever help me!" I scream standing from my seat looking intently at his face, where he's trying to hide his emotions. He's looking away from me as I try to look into his eyes for some honesty. He just looks away. He looks away like the whole world looked away on me.  
  
"You're telling me to grow up...when you yourself are acting like a child," he tells me with a quiet, fragile voice.  
  
"How could I be--"  
  
"How could you be acting like a child?" He finishes my question for me, catching a quick glimpse of me, his eyes narrowed, before he looks away again. "You're acting like a child because you seem to think that you're the only person who has problems...and everyone else has a perfect life. You're refusing to see that there are some people out there who deal with more shit and pain everyday than you'll ever know."  
  
I clench my hands into fists as I still stare at him looking away at the door. How is he being so calm?! And how can he accuse me of something like that?! "You're a bloody prick. Don't tell me what I think and don't think. You have no idea what I go th--" Why does he insist on cutting me off in the middle of my sentences?  
  
"You know, Evans," He's calling me "Evans" again...and it just sounds so...odd now, "Every time I'm right about something you always tell me that I have no idea. What are you so scared of? That someone might understand what you're going through?"  
  
"And who knows what I'm going through, huh?! You, James?! Do you know what it's like to be me every damn day? Do you know what it feels like to know no one cares about you?" My tone is softer now. I'm standing though...like I'm about to strike or run any moment.  
  
"We're not talking about me or my life. We're talking about you. Now hand me that potion Humfrey wants me to take. I feel like I'm about to pass out." He weakly points to the potion on the table near by.  
  
I just now notice that he's been holding onto his side where his wound must be. He removes his hand for a moment from his side and I see that the blood is starting to sink into the sheets. How can he be bleeding so damn much?  
  
I hand him the potion with shaky hands. "James...?"  
  
"What?!" he snaps at me. I guess I touched a soft spot earlier.  
  
"Why is it...that whenever we start to talk--"  
  
"You call this talking, Lily?!" he yells after downing his drink, looking over at me furiously. I feel like I've just started a conversation I'm going to regret getting into. But I have to know. He really should stop yelling though...he looks more and more pale as he does.  
  
I let out a sigh. I'm just so sick of fighting with him. "Fine. Every time we start to fight... Why do we always end up fighting about me?" I'm trying to stay calm so he doesn't have to yell again.  
  
He doesn't answer me for a while. He's staring off. It looks like he's hiding something too. He's hiding just like I am. But obviously he can hide better than I ever could. "We fight about a lot of things, Lily...Grades, classes, friends..." He lets his sentence fade.  
  
"Yeah, and none of which is ever directed toward you. What's so horrible in your life or past that you always avoid to talk about?" I'm getting frustrated with him again, and my eyes seem to tear up like they so often do.  
  
"I should be asking you the same thing! What makes you think that your past is so much worse than anyone else's?" He starts with a soft tone, "What is it, Lily? That your dad wanted to leave? That your mum can't look at you and see how wonderful you really are?! That your sister doesn't like you?! You should be grateful you have a sister. You should be grateful they're all even alive. Don't tell me you have it rough. Don't tell me that no one understands you. And you have the nerve to tell me to stop pretending like I know what's really wrong with you? Stop pretending like you know what's going on with everyone! Stop pretending you know everyone's deep dark secret! When you yourself...when you don't even know yourself. How do you expect to even understand another person...or really know another person if you don't even understand yourself...if you don't even know who you really are."  
  
I look at him strangely, "Are you trying to tell me something?"  
  
The door swings open and in comes Professor Dumbledore and Madame Humfrey hot on his trail. "Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, I see you two are arguing like usual. I've been informed, however, that there is something wrong with you, Mr. Potter."  
  
"He won't stop bleeding, Dumbledore. I tried numerous spells and potions the other night before. None seem to heal him." Madame Humfrey pauses for a moment, looking down at her fidgeting hands before whispering something in Dumbledore's ear that I couldn't hear.  
  
Dumbledore takes off his glasses cleaning them as he speaks, "Mr. Potter, do you know how you received those cuts?"  
  
I turn to study James' expression. He looks pale and thoughtful. "Wasn't it just some hex?"  
  
"No, it wasn't. New and more complex magic is being discovered everyday. The coratarsta hex, which was used on you, inflicts its victims with rather large cuts across the body, which I'm sure you realized." Dumbledore looks toward a corner to the far left of the room, and then turns to look back at where James and I are.  
  
"Once the cuts are made it feels like some thing's even being rubbed into them, right?" Dumbledore waits a moment before continuing. "The cuts can be almost impossible to heal. Once you think you have them closed up....they reopen, which I'm sure you realized as well."  
  
"So tell me please, if I already know all of what you're saying than why are you re-informing me, Professor?" James asks through gritted teeth and narrowed eyes. Why's he getting upset with Dumbledore now all of a sudden?  
  
"Well...for two purposes. One to inform Madame Pomfrey of what happened...and the other for Mr. Black."  
  
James eyes grow wider as he stares at Dumbledore and then turned to look at the left corner as well.  
  
"Mr. Black? I don't understand, Professor," I finally speak up again.  
  
Dumbledore just gives me a smile, however. "Come...I think Professor Mitchell has a cure for Mr. Potter..." Dumbledore says to Madame Pomfrey before leading her out of the room and down the corridor.  
  
"Why did he say he was telling Black? He's not here..." I turn to James and say.  
  
Although James on the other hand has his arms crossed and still staring at the corner Dumbledore had glanced at before.  
  
"How long have you been here, Padfoot?" James half-yells to the other side of the room. He waits for an answer but one never comes. "Come on, Sirius! Get your arse out here so I can ask what the bloody hell you're doing!"  
  
"James...what are you going on abo--" I fall back into my seat as Black suddenly appears by my side, whipping a silverish cloak off of him.  
  
"Dumbledore had to ruin it! I was going to scare you! But instead he gives it away! How'd he know I was here anyway?!" Sirius scans the room as if he thinks Dumbledore's going to pop out any moment. Like some big secret's going to be revealed to him if he does...  
  
"Padfoot, you're missing the main point. What are you doing here now of all times?" James says, trying to stand back up on his own two feet. It looks like the potion before is helping slightly. I stand back up almost reaching out to help James up fully...but think better of it and let my hand fall down to my side.  
  
"What? Did you expect me to come and see how my best friend and my dear sweet Lilian were doing?" Sirius asks innocently. He gives James a cheery smile at which James only scolds at.  
  
I feel Black's arm slip over my shoulder, in a joking way (maybe to get James even more upset, I don't know) and I go to move away from his touch. "Black, I swear if you touch me again...you'll be regretting it for at least a month!"  
  
"How long have you been here, Sirius?" James asks Black with a hiss-like voice.  
  
Sirius doesn't answer though. His smile just drops as he stares at James' face. I never thought I'd see Sirius ever look like he does now. The frown on his face doesn't replace the smile that always lit it up, well at all. His eyes look like they hold wisdom and pain...instead of joy and mischief.  
  
And for a moment, we all just stand here. James staring at Sirius and Sirius looking ashamed for something. And I...I'm just standing here trying to understand it all.  
  
James stumbles a bit and Sirius grabs James under the elbow to keep him steady. And to my great surprise James pushes him off. "I don't need your help Sirius! I'm fine on my own!" James yells at him, shoving him roughly in the gut. And all Sirius is doing is standing there and taking it. Why isn't he doing something?  
  
"Stop pretending nothing's wrong. I'm sorry, Prongs...I really am. It's not like Lily knows." Sirius talks about me as if I'm not even in the room.  
  
"Know about what?" I ask hoping for an answer. I never get any of the answers I need any more.  
  
"No. That's right. She doesn't know. She yells at me for acting like I do...when she herself...damn the world I say. Damn everyone in the bloody world!" His voice is getting hoarse and raspy again...  
  
"If the world's all going to be damned then stop acting like you're okay!" Sirius yells at James. I have no bloody idea what they're even yelling about anymore.  
  
"I don't need to talk about it." James trys to get to the door but Sirius stands in front of his path. How far did he think he'd get as injured as he is, anyway?  
  
"You do need to talk about it. You haven't talked about it in a long time, you know? I'm scared you're trying to hide it again..."  
  
"I think about it all the time...I can't stop thinking about it, Padfoot! I keep dreaming about them and every time I wake up..." James turns to look at me. He looks me up and down like he had just remembered I was in the room. And now I'm just confused. I'm lost about everything. I'm lost in my own little world I imprisoned myself in...and the sad part is, I always thought I was alone. Because from the sounds of it James was lost before too. Or maybe James was just hiding like I am...  
  
"Padfoot...if you don't move I swear..." James turns around to look at Sirius again.  
  
"You're not going anywhere," Sirius orders James and trys to lead him back to his bed.  
  
"GET OFF OF ME!" James yells pushing Sirius with all his might to the wall. And when Sirius makes contact with the wall, his head hits it with a loud 'thud'. And as James collapses to the floor clutching onto his side...Sirius pushes himself off the wall to stand straight looking a little dizzy. But I don't see a trace of anger. Am I wrong...or is this the part where Sirius is supposed to fight back? Or at least yell at James?  
  
"Don't do this again, Prongs. Don't fight it again..." Sirius says, helping James up on his feet again.  
  
"I'm not doing anything!" James yells grabbing the hand Sirius offered to him to heave him back onto his feet.  
  
"Don't lie to me. If you try to push this away and act like you're not upset...I just won't let you do this."  
  
I'm feeling really awkward...obviously this isn't the first time James has gone mad like this. And as Sirius is trying to comfort him...I just feel like a heartless fool standing here like I am...watching it all through guilty eyes. Guilty eyes and a guilty heart. Am I the one who made him so upset? Why's he have to do this to me? I feel like crying right now just watching this scene...  
  
"Does it look like I'm trying to hide that I'm upset?! Does it look like I give a damn if you or Evans see that I'm feeling like shit?!" James turns to look at me and my insides all turn cold. Who knew a look could effect someone so much? "What now, Lily? You gonna come tell me that I shouldn't be acting like this?"  
  
"I...I'm so confused..." I honestly don't know what to say...what is there to say?  
  
"Well what are you confused about? I mean...since you have me figured out...how could you be confused? Oh do you want me to act like the James Potter you know does? Huh? Okay Lils." He smiles at me as if he's in a game where he gets to torture his competitor...and I happen to be that person.  
  
"Stop it, James." I don't want to do this. I'm scared to even look at him right now. I'm afraid that...I don't know what I'm afraid of...he's right though. I guess I'm scared when I look at him...I'm scared he's reading me like a book...no matter how tight I try to close myself up. No matter how blank I try to keep the pages...no matter how much I try to write out what I'm feeling...  
  
"What do you want me to stop?!" James moves over to me and I stay frozen to the spot. "C'mon, Lily...what am I stopping?" He's standing right in front of me now. He's standing as close as Malfoy was the other night. His face is just inches from mine...and I'm staring up into those eyes again...those beautiful hazel eyes which hold hate now.  
  
"Stop making me feel like this..." I whisper out weakly. I hadn't noticed that I had been cornered against a wall...he looks like it's taking all of what's in him to keep from falling back down. I look at Sirius over James' shoulder and he's just looking at us confused.  
  
"Feel like what? How do I make you feel?" James has his eyes closed tight and he's starting to lean closer to me for support.  
  
"James...you should lie back down..." I suggest. I wish for nothing more than for him to just go back to his bed. Just keep me away from feeling his breath on my cheek...for him not to be so close where he has me cornered. But he had me cornered all along. I feel like a rat in a maze...  
  
His eyes open and he stares straight into mine. "I wish I didn't..."  
  
"Didn't what?" I question, looking at him oddly. I just pray he doesn't start to yell again.  
  
"Feel like I do..." He closes his eyes again, "I hate that I feel like I do..."  
  
"Well, Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore went to get you something that'll heal your cuts, from the Potion's Professor..." I tell him. Why do I feel like if I don't whisper...that if it gets any louder something bad's going to happen?  
  
"I'm not talking about that stupid hex Malfoy put on me..." He opens his eyes...and a look can say more than words can. But I still don't understand...if he's not talking about the cuts...then what is he talking about?  
  
"Come on, Lily. We should go now. James needs his rest...he can tell Pomfrey that you left." Sirius moves over to us and guides James back over to the bed. And I look down at my side where I see some of his blood was wiped on me. I was staring so intently into his eyes that I didn't even realize he was completely leaning on me.  
  
As Sirius and I walk out of the Hospital Wing he calls out to James, "I'm coming back after our first class tomorrow, James," and then shuts the door behind us.  
  
"You shouldn't have said that before," Sirius mutters to me before starting to stalk off with that same silvery cloak he had before, draped over his shoulder.  
  
"Said what?" I ask catching up to him.  
  
"Why'd you have to mention it?"  
  
"Mention what?" Can someone explain at least one thing tonight to me?!  
  
"'What's so horrible in your life or past that you avoid to talk about?'!" Sirius mimics what I had asked earlier tonight, "Why'd you bring up the past?"  
  
"Well he seems to have no problem bringing up mine! Why can't I ask about his?!"  
  
"Because when he asks about yours...he wants to help. When you ask...you're trying to prove something."  
  
"And what am I proving?!" Everyone just seems to be yelling at Sirius tonight.  
  
"You're proving that James is wrong about you! Forget it, Lily. It's not like you really give a damn about James at all. Your whole life you've hated him...and for what, huh? You couldn't have given him a chance to be your friend?" Sirius stops walking and turns to stare at me, and I look down at the floor with a glare meant for him.  
  
I ignore the question though...I can't tell him why I didn't give him a chance to be a friend. "Why's he acting like that?"  
  
"Acting like what?" Sirius turns on his heel and starts to walk back down the corridor.  
  
"Why'd he start hitting and yelling at you? And why'd you just let him?" He stops in his tracks but doesn't turn around to see me.  
  
"You expect me to hit my best friend?" he says softly.  
  
"He certainly didn't have a problem hitting his."  
  
"There's things you'd never understand. He's trying to push everyone away. He knows that I can tell...he doesn't want to talk about it. So what he's doing is trying to get me mad at him so I'll ignore him and let him go on feeling worse."  
  
"But you're not?" I cock an eyebrow at him.  
  
He turns sharply and looks at me disapprovingly. "Of course not. I'd never turn my back on James...especially now of all times. I won't let him go through anything alone. Yeah, yeah Lily...the James Potter you hate has problems too."  
  
As Sirius tells me this...I can't help but feel jealous. Jealous that James has someone like Sirius who won't give up on him. Jealous that he has someone there through thick and thin. Jealous that he knows how to hide everything better than I do.  
  
"What's it?" I ask starting down at my feet.  
  
"What the bloody hell do you mean? What's what?"  
  
"You said he doesn't want to talk about it. What's it?" I say a little louder.  
  
"The past, Lily. The past."

* * *

**_If any of you are confused than I'm really really sorry. You can send me and e-mail at or send an IM on AIM or YIM at angelbud2233 and I'll try to help you out so you don't have to be confused anymore. Or you could just be patient and wait for the next chapter for everything to all not get ummm confusing! _**


	9. Best Friends

**_The Empty Vase_**

**Chapter 9: Best Friends**

**_In dedication to my best friend. I love you, Ren! You mean the world to me!_**

* * *

I peak out of the curtains that are closed around my bed and check for any signs of Peter or Remus being awake. I wait a minute to hear the soft whisper of Remus talking in his sleep, and Peter's deep low breaths.

I see that it's all clear and go back to James' trunk and grab his invisibility cloak. I have to go back to the Hospital Wing and talk to Prongs. He's doing it again...I know there's something wrong with him and he's trying to cover it up. He's done this sort of thing since we were twelve. He'll put on the old Potter grin and go help someone else feel better. Whether it be with a joke or a compliment, or even helping someone solve a homework problem. I know he does that, because he used to do the same thing for me...he used to fool me too.

We were thirteen and we were about to get onto the Hogwarts Express, and I started bragging about these new glasses that I had just gotten. Actually, the truth was the glasses were about four years old by then...but it didn't matter to me...all that mattered to me was that they got to hide me. Well hide part of my face at least. I was wearing the glasses to cover up the black eye I had gotten the night before from when my father had hit me. I made sure that my hair fell slightly over my forehead as well, because I had a huge gash that led from a little above my right eye out to about a half an inch to where my hair could cover up the cut. You see, my mother also liked to beat me...but throwing a plate at my head worked for her though. She's a horrible drunk, so I had just barely dodged out of the way, and it only skimmed my head...but that's besides the point. I had to hide any of my cuts, so that's what I did. I had heard James in an empty compartment (I lost him in the crowd), and when I went to walk in I saw that he was wiping tears away from his eyes frantically and trying to hide something back into his bag. At first I had just shrugged it off thinking it was nothing...

_"Great glasses there, Sirius!" James says with a half-joking voice looking up at me like nothing had even happened. "Let me see them!" _

_"No! No!" I say desperately trying to turn around and cling onto them. _

_"Oh c'mon, stop being such a bloody girl. Let me see them!" James whines. I turn to look at him to object, but before I can say anything, he whips the glasses off of me. _

_He hasn't noticed yet. He's staring down at the glasses playing with them and twirling them with his fingers. He looks up to hand them to me, but he stops and just stares at me. _

_"Sirius...what...what happened?" I can tell he wasn't ready for that. I'm sure he had thought before that my family and parents were better than this..._

_"Nothing...I ran into the door...that's all." I start to laugh to see if he'd join along with me and actually believe it, but he's not laughing with me. He doesn't believe me. He's just...still staring at my eye._

_"Don't lie to me...what happened?" His voice trembles as he speaks to me but it still sounds like he wants to know._

_"Nothing. I already told you. It's fine." I grab the glasses back from him and put them on again. _

_"Siri--"_

_"Stop it, James! Do you really wanna know?!" He shakes his head yes and I suddenly feel like I could care less anymore. I throw the glasses off of me and onto the floor. "It was my father, okay? It's not so bad compared to some of the things he's done. Happy now?" I say my last comment with sarcasm and I turn to walk out of the compartment._

_"Don't," he says, pushing me back down and going to lock the compartment door by whipping out his wand and muttering something._

_"Don't what?" I say cocking an eyebrow looking at him oddly._

_"Don't ask 'happy now'? Do you think it makes me happy, Sirius?! It doesn't! You're my best friend...I'd do anything for you...so don't lie again to me. Is that all the bastard did?" It sounds almost like he's threatening me...but not at the same time. I'm not sure if that even makes sense. _

_"Yeah, but my mother got me with the plate..." I say moving the hair that I had let fall over where the cut was and show him. The plate cut me from above my right eye and runs up to the right to eventually where my hair can cover it. If I had moved two seconds later I don't think there's a pretty good chance I'd still be right here._

_"Dammit, Sirius. And you think you could hide it from me?" He takes his wand again and mutters something pressing the tip of his wand to where the cut was and I felt like water was trickling down along the cut, signaling that he was healing it. Then he does the same for my black eye..._

_"Thanks..." I say, "And it's not like I wanted to...I didn't know how you'd react if you knew what happened..." I say with all honesty. I look back up at him and I see him run a hand through his hair nervously...and I remember something._

_"What's wrong?" I ask looking at him curiously._

_"What are you talking about? Don't be thick. I just found something out like this about my best friend and you ask what's wrong of all things?" _

_"You were about to cry even before I told you anything that happened," I tell him standing up like he is. "You're hiding something from me too..."_

_"Don't be ridiculous. What would I possibly have to hide?" James says with a cool calm voice. I would have believed him too...I would believe him if I didn't know better. But I suppose he's a better actor than I thought he was. He's even as good as I was. Well was before...not now...he figured me out now..._

_"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. What do you have to hide?" I watch him look down and dig through his bag...and I think he's gonna pull out what he was looking at before...but he doesn't._

_He pulls out some coins and hands them to me. "Here, go get us something off the trolley, all right? I'm starving," he mutters, concentrating down at the coins now in my hand before giving me a good hard shove out the door._

_I shrug it off and start walking down the corridor to go find the trolley when I realize I didn't know what he wanted. And when I turn to go back and open the door, I stop because I hear it again. Before I thought my mind was playing tricks with me...before I thought that maybe I really had just been seeing things. I don't think that anymore...I know this time that he's in there...and he's trying to wipe his tears..._

_I open the door and James looks up at me with a tear-stained face. Putting on a smile and wiping more tears. "I uh...you know...stubbed my toe. Bloody hurts."_

_"How can you tell me not to lie to you...when you can't even learn not to lie to me?" I say with a straight face, not returning his smile with one of my own._

_"You're off your rocker, Sirius. When have I lied to you?" He stands up from where he was seated, and with all the energy that it seems is in him...steps toward me trying to look strong and confident._

_"I don't know how many times you've lied to me. Just tell me...what's wrong? Why are you just letting yourself cry and get hurt?" I don't understand why he'd want to hide something from me that hurts him this much..._

_"Nothing's wrong, all right?! Dammit! I just found out about your damn family life and you still ask why I'm upset?!" He says, his eyes brimming with unshed tears behind his frames._

_I grab hold of both of his shoulders and stare him straight in the eye. "Stop lying. Tell me what's bothering you...tell me because I know you want to...I know you do...tell me because I need to know...tell me because I need to help you like you've always helped me...but why won't you?"_

_He pulls away from my grasp and shoves me. I hit the door to the compartment and the glass rattles a bit. I stay put against the compartment door and just stare. "Why won't I? Are you honestly asking me that?" He glares at me and grabs my robes and pulls me back to my feet to look him straight in the eye again. _

_"Yeah. I'm really asking you that. Don't act like you don't want to tell someone either." I keep a straight face as he keeps his grip on my robes. He looks so threatening right now. I don't care though. I'd rather him give me another black eye than to see him in any pain like he must be going through._

_He doesn't say anything. His grips starts to loosen slowly and his face softens. He looks me straight in the eye. His expression is starting to change...his angry looks are turning into hurt ones. His eyes which flared with anger before...now only carry unshed tears._

_"I do want to tell you, Sirius...you're the only one I'd trust with this...but I can't do it...if I tell you...it proves to everyone that I'm weak and I can't take anything any more. If I say it...it'll mean it's true...I don't want it to be true...dammit, Sirius...it can't be true!!" He lets go of my robes finally and shoves me a little, turning and swearing some more. He wipes his eyes and says, "Forget this ever happened. Forget you ever thought something was wrong with me." He sits down running a shaky hand through his hair._

_"Are you telling me to forget you...?" I ask looking at him oddly. I've never seen him like this before. But I don't think any less of James...I think that's what he thinks I'm doing._

_"Yeah...I'm telling you to forget me. You'll forget me sooner or later anyway. Why not just forget me now?" He looks up at me with all seriousness. He's actually serious! He thinks I'm going to abandon him if I find something out about him. Has our whole friendship just been one big damn lie?_

_I sit down beside him. "Look at me," I order. "James! Look at me!" He looks up at me, his face tear-stained, and nods at me to continue. "Don't you **ever** tell me to forget about you. Don't tell me I'll stop caring about you ever. You're my best friend, James. You're my brother. Don't tell me anyone's gonna take that away from me. You're the best damn thing that's ever happened to me! You're my only family...brothers for life..."_

_He looks away from me and down at his hands. He's fidgeting. I don't get it. James doesn't get nervous so easily like this...what's he nervous about? "I'm no body's brother...I'm no body's brother anymore..."_

_"What are you talk--"_

_"I lost them, Sirius! I lost them! And they can't ever come back! It's all my fault! I did it! They can't come back! I don't deserve to be alive...I don't deserve it...they should be alive...my sister...she should be alive...not me. I wish I was dead. I wish I could be dead because it's no more than I deserve..." _

_"Don't say that, James!! Don't you ever say that! Especially around me...I'm nothing without you. DO YOU HEAR ME, JAMES?! I'm nothing without you! I'm just another face in the crowd...until I'd finally give up on life. You're what keeps me alive! Don't you ever tell me that you wish you were dead...because if you died...I might as well be dead too." I hadn't even noticed I had begun to cry until just right now._

_"All right...I take it back."_

_"Don't say that either...do you even mean it? Do you know how many nights I've cried myself to sleep just at that very thought that I'd never be able to see you again?"_

_"Oh yeah, Sirius?! You wanna talk to me about crying yourself to sleep!? I've cried myself to sleep for the past year! The past stupid year! And did you notice one minute of it?! DID YOU?!"_

_"Then tell me. Tell me because how do you expect me to know you and understand you...if you won't let me? How can you stand there and yell at me for not knowing what's wrong...when you won't open up and tell me?" I wipe the tears from my eyes. I feel so stupid for crying..._

_"I can't...I can't..." I watch as more tears fall down his face. It kills me inside to have to see him like this. "I can't...I don't want to live like this anymore...I don't want to have my dreams and thoughts haunted by the same thing over and over...Sirius...I lost them...I really lost them...and I can't ever get them back...I won't ever get to say goodbye...I didn't get to say goodbye..."_

_"James I..." I pause...nothing I can say will make him feel better. I walk over to him and pull him into a hug. I hug him like he were my brother. He is my brother. Blood doesn't make you family..._

_"It happened this summer, you know?" He finally breaks away and starts talking, wiping more tears on his robes. He takes off his glasses to wipe his eyes better. "They kil--they...they killed my sister...and my father right in front of my eyes...he just...he took his wand and just killed my father...I saw it all through the crack of that damn closet I was told to hide in...then he...then he..." He takes a long pause...he just sits there trying not to sob for a minute at least, before he starts up again. "He...you know...he raped my sister...he beat her...and then he just...oh dammit, Sirius...I couldn't stop crying...and I wanted to go help her...I had to go help her...but I couldn't...they wouldn't let me...I wanted to go help her so damn much...and I couldn't. He started laughing. He raped her...and then started laughing about it...he...he..." He starts to breath deep and heavy and he's shaking...oh dammit...God, let him stop shaking! _

_"He laughed...he just...did it like it was nothing...he laughed... I can't stop seeing her face...I can't stop picturing her crying...her face was stained with tears and blood...and he let it happen...I let it happen...that's why I don't deserve to live...I should have tried harder...I should have tried to get away sooner..."_

_"James...there's nothing..." I take a deep breath trying not to sob too. "There's nothing you could have done..."_

_"Two of 'em had me...they were holding me in that stupid closet...and by the time I could figure out how to get out of their grasp...he had said it...those words...those words...she was just...she was just gone. And I wish they would have done me the same...I felt nothing compared to what she must've felt...I'm nothing because I didn't try hard enough..." _

_"James...I don't know what to tell you...I wish I could tell you it's all okay...but I know it's not...and I don't want to lie..." I'm starting to shake now too. _

_"You're my brother, Sirius. You're right...we're brothers...you won't leave me, will you? Promise me you won't leave me..."_

_"I promise...I promise, James...brothers for life...no one and nothing'll change it..." I say hardly about a whisper, hugging him still to try to calm both of us crying and our shaking._

"Black! Black!" I snap out of my thoughts. I hadn't even realized that my feet had carried me down to the common room and I had started to fall back asleep on the couch. But now I'm not alone. I look up at Lily who's calling my name.

"What is it?" I say irritated with myself and her while standing back up and collecting James' invisibility cloak. I drape it over my shoulder starting to head toward the portrait hole. I stop though and turn to look at Lily again.

_"Me and Lily, Padfoot, we're the same. I used to be just like her. Do you remember? Do you remember that?" _I hear James' voice echo in my head. He told me that back in our sixth year. Why am I remembering it now?

She doesn't say anything. She's just looking down at her hands, and fidgeting with them. Just like James had on that day on the train. "What are you still doing awake, Evans?" I ask with irritation.

"I couldn't sleep. I was just thinking about things James was telling me," she mumbles.

"You know, he only wanted to help. Even if you can't see that, it's true." I head toward the door beginning to throw cloak over myself.

"And what makes you the sudden expert on why James does something, Black?" I stop in my tracks throwing the cloak down on the floor and turning in rage toward Lily again.

"And what makes you an expert, Evans?! I'd think I know why James does something better than you! How long have me and James been best friends?! Can you even call him a friend?! You have no idea what you're talking about. You have no idea what he goes through. You don't even know how to be a friend." I glare at her waiting for a response.

She looks back up at me. "I'm sorry...I didn't know you cared so mu--"

"Do you know what it feels like to wake up every morning scared to death because you think he won't be there? Too much bad shit foes on every day for me not to think that the best thing that ever came along in my life won't get taken away from me in a heart beat! Do you have any idea what it feels like to see the person you care about most in the world...hardly give a damn about you anymore? Do you know what it feels like to think that that person is going to give up on life any day and they won't even let you help?"

"Look...I'm sorry...I didn't know...I just assume--"

"Let me give you some advice, Evans. Don't make assumptions. They'll come back and bite you in the arse. So when you actually know something, instead of just assuming, then come talk to me." I head out of the portrait hole and she follows me, trying to keep up with my pace.

"If you cared so much about James, and he's your best friend...and you see him get hurt by trying to help me...then why do you let him get hurt?"

"YOU THINK I WANT HIM TO GET HURT?!" I snap, turning on her.

"Shh...Sirius...keep your voice down...we could get caught..." She tries to silence me.

"No! What gives you that right?! Why would I want my best friend hurt? He's stubborn...he thinks you wanna be helped...he thinks that he can befriend you and be there for you because he thinks no one's ever been there for you before...he just wants to help...it'll make him feel better too."

I hadn't realized that we were at the Hospital Wing now. "I wanna show you something, Evans. I wanna show you so you will really believe me and James when we say that he wants to help. That he's not just messing with you and trying to be a jerk."

She nods at me and I silently crack open the door to the Hospital Wing. And there's Prongs...he's lying down on that same pearly bed...and he's crying again. He's wiping tears and trying not to sob. He's looking at some picture. The same picture he looks at when he gets depressed. The same he had been looking at that day on the train when I walked in.

"God...please...please...I just...I don't want to anymore...please..." we hear James' voice echo. We watch as he closes his eyes tight raising his shirt a little to look at the large gash that's just hardly bleeding through the bandages.

"Grab this," I tell Lily in a whisper, giving her James' invisibility cloak and draping it over her. "Don't make a sound. Don't get caught. When I tell you to leave...you better leave, Evans. I'll leave this door open for you so you can sneak back out."

"What do you mean? What are we going to go do?" Lily whispers confused.

"Well from what I heard from your conversation with James tonight...that you think that you're the only one with any bloody damn problems...James isn't just some arrogant air-headed prat who thinks he can get what he wants...like you undoubtedly think of him...Scew it, Evans. If you wanna go in...then go in. If you wanna hide under that cloak...then hide. I don't care. I have to talk to Prongs." I open the door to the Hospital Wing and James looks up at me, his face tear-stained again and his hair even more of a mess.

"Padfoot...oh dammit, Padfoot...thank God it's you..."

"I told you I'd come back for you, Prongs...You know I'll always come back for you..." I whisper sitting on the chair next to his bed. 

"I'm so sorry...I won't hide it from you again...I can't hide it from you, Padfoot...I just hate waking up everyday knowing...knowing that they're not there...that they're not there and it's all my fault..." He lays down clenching the bed sheets in his hands trying not to yell.

"It's not your fault...It's _not_ your fault!" I say loudly so he'd turn to look at me.

He opens his eyes and lets another tear fall. "But what if it is, Padfo--"

"It's not though. There's no ifs or buts or ands about it...it's not your fault." I tell him again.

"I'm sorry...I'm doing it again...I shouldn't do it again...Lily just...she just reminded me of them...of that night...I can't stop thinking about it...I don't have anyone any more..."

"You have me. I'll be there for you forever. You've got me. Don't forget it, Padfoot...you're my best friend...you're gonna be there for me forever...and I'm gonna be there for you forever too..."

"I know...I know...Sirius...I don't know what I'd do without you...I wouldn't make it...I don't think I could make it..." He looks over at me apologetically.

"I _can't_ make it without you, Prongs..." I assure him.

"And you promised me...you promised me..." He brings up that promise so much I'm so afraid he thinks I'll leave him...I wouldn't though. Never in a million years.

"I know James...I did promise you. I'll stick through with that promise. I won't break it ever."

"But Sirius..." I nod for him to go on slightly worried about what he wants to say. "What if you...it could happen any day...none of us know the future...what if you...what if you die?"

"James...I won't die on you! I'm not going anywhere! I swear! I'm not going to die and leave you. I think about that every damn day, Prongs...it's my worst fear...that you won't be there again...But I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere."

We both turn at the sound of the door squeaking open.

* * *

**_And that's where I end this chapter. Because well...just because, okay? Sorry if it took a while. Just one night it all came out of me. I wasn't even expecting any of that. It all just toppled out. I hope y'all liked this chapter. _**

**_Oh and like I said...that was in dedication to my best friend. I really do love you so much, Ren! I don't know what I'd ever do without you. I'm not going anywhere as long as you don't leave me either. You're more than I could have ever asked for._**

**_Oh and one more thing. Uh sorry it took a while. shrugs _**


	10. Thank You

**_The Empty Vase_**

_Chapter ten: Thank You_

**A/N: Okay...yeah I know. How long has it been since you've heard from me? Months? I know, I know. Go ahead. Yell at me ifyou want. I really don't care. And I KNOW you all wanted a chapter from my other story...but I'm sorry to tell you...that's not what came out when I started writing. A chapter for this story came out. So I'm sorry. You'll live. I swear. **

**Oh yeah and I advise you to read the past few chapters or something...or at least the last chapter. Because I don't think you'll get this if you don't and I highly doubt you've remembered what has happened so far. So yeah! That's my suggestion!**

* * *

It happened almost a week ago. James is out of the Hospital Wing and back into his old swing of things. If he can go back to his old routine then why can't I? I can't stop thinking about last week. Just all of it. From the moment I went out into the rain that night...until the moment where I saw James crying with Sirius. 

I keep feeling horrible about that night. James practically saved my life...well not practically...he did. James saved me that night...and I didn't even thank him....

I look at the clock beside my bed and I read clearly "3:48". It's almost four and I haven't had a wink of sleep. I haven't been able to sleep well for a week. It's all because James won't leave my mind. The sight of him crying haunts my thoughts. The guilt in my heart just keeps growing...

I give up and get up out of bed and make my way down to the common room. I don't care that I'll be tired for classes tomorrow. I really don't.

When I go downstairs I see someone down there too. It's not much of a surprise really. I really should've expected it more. I knew James would be down there. He's always down there still at this time...I don't know how he's never tired.

"Hey Lily..." he says staring at the fire place. He didn't even look back to see if it was me when I went to go sit near him on the couch. "I was hoping you'd come..."

"Why's that...?" I ask softly looking down at the floor.

"Because I need to tell you someting..."

I look up at him and stare at him questioningly. "What'd you have to tell me?" I ask quietly.

He turns to look at me and takes his eyes off of the fire place for the first time, and he moves closer to me staring deep into my eyes. So deep that I feel like I can't look away even if I had tried...even if I had wanted to. "I needed to tell you that I'm sorry..."

I almost choke on my next words. "You're...you're sorry...? Why are you sorry...?"

"Because I can't do it. No matter how much you want me to...I can't bring myself to do it..." he whispers and now I notice that he's right next to me...

"Do what...?" I ask faintly, staring at the little space left between the both of us.

"Do what you want me to do..."

"I don't want anything from you..." I assure him...but I'm not so sure of it myself even.

"Lily..." He tilts my chin up slowly to look him in the eye and force eye contact. "You want me to back off and I can't do that..."

"James...please...I just...I'm begging you..." I say weakly feeling like my heart is getting heavier and heavier.

"I can't do it...I'm sorry..."

"Why won't you...? Why won't you try...? It's not like I'm making it difficult for you to leave me alone. I keep pushing you away but you won't leave."

"And I'm not going to. No matter how much you push me away I'm not moving. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself..." He finishes the gap between us and doesn't even hesitate to pull me into his arms. And I don't move either. I can't move...This weight on my heart is too heavy to let me move away from his arms. It's too hard to carry anymore...and for the first time in my life...I don't care that I'm weak and vulnerable.

"I just wanna help..." he whispers, it coming out so weakly that it seems like it's all that's in him to hold me.

"I know you do..."

"Why won't you let me? I wish you would...I wish more than anything...that..." He lets his sentence fade.

"You wish more than anything that what...?"

"Nothing, Lily...it's nothing. I just wish you'd let me help..." He looks away from me and down at the floor, sighing deeply.

"James...there's something you don't know...there's something you don't know about...I wouldn't be pushing you away as much if there wasn't something else I didn't want you to know..."

He looks back up at me shocked. "What are you talking about...?"

"There's a reason I'm so cold and distant...it's not my father like you think it is. I mean...he didn't help much with making me like I am...but he's not the reason I act the way I act." I've gone on for the longest time not mentioning this...I've gone on forever not saying a word about it. I've only talked to my sister about it...I can't do that anymore...not since...not since she wanted to forget we were even related.

"You're not gonna tell me either..." It's like he was wording what I was feeling about it. I don't wanna tell him...I think.

"I...can't." He doesn't seem surprised by what I say.

"Are you trying to torment me, Lily? Are you trying to get me to feel worse?"

"Of course not! No! I'm not doing that I swear!" I say desperately my eyes only watering slightly. I wipe at the tears.

"Why would you have said that...if you're not going to let me help...? If you're not gonna let me help you? The only reason I can think of is to make me feel worse...to torture me somehow..."

I feel even guiltier now. How can he make feel guilty for not telling him a secret? My secret. Not anyone elses...I have the right to not tell him. I have the right to make myself feel better or worse. It's all my decision. Just James always makes me feel like I've made the wrong one. "Don't. Please just don't."

"Don't what...?" He runs his hands through his hair, one of his oldest annoying habits, but this time it's not bothersome. Maybe because this time he's not just trying to look better or show off something.

"Don't say it. Don't say that. I'm not doing this to torture you!"

"I can't do it. I'm sorry...I just can't do it...I _won't_ do it...I refuse..." he says in a low weak voice, staring down at his hands in his lap.

"Do what, James?"

"I'm not giving up on you like you want me to..."

Now I've just got mixed emotions. I don't know whether I want to smack James right now for not doing what I want him to...or break down crying because, in a sense, it could be one of the only things anyone has even done for me because they care. Well...because he thinks he cares...he's fooled himself...God, please don't let him fool me too...

"I know you don't want to open up to me...but just know that...Well that I'm here when if you finally do..." I look down at the floor, feeling guilty. "Lily...I just...can't take it that you won't even _try_ to get help for yourself."

I close my eyes, suddenly very tired...I burry my face in my hands fighting back the tears...I try fighting off the urge to cry too often now... "Please...don't say that..." I try to whisper out just loud enough so he can hear me, "Please...When you say it like that...You sound like you're giving me pity. I hate pity..."

"I'm not giving you pity. I just care...As much as you make think otherwise...I do care about you. And I just....I miss that sparkle in your eyes when you laugh....I miss your eyes lighting up when you smile...I miss that way...just staring up at your eyes said a thousand words for you without you needing to say a thing at all..." He titles my chin up putting a hand on the side of my face tenderly in such a comfortying way it shocks me. "I miss that, Lily...I never see your eyes anymore...you always are looking down or away. And now...when I do...all that happiness I once saw...somehow got replaced with hate. It eats at me that it has..."

"Stop it, James..." I say weakly, finding all the strength I can to look him in the eyes.

"Please, Lily. I can't stand it anymore."

"But it's not your problem!" I yell, moving as far away as I can from him. I feel his hand leave the side of my face and suddenly I feel panicked with how cold I am.

"It's my problem when it is hurting someone that I care abo--"

"Stop saying that! It's not true. That's a lie," I yell angrily...but it feels like I'm trying to convince myself of it more now than him.

He doesn't say anything...he just...for a moment he just sits there staring at me. With this horribley sad look on his face. And I know that my face has softened now into a look that probably is similar to his. He doesn't say anything while he moves next to me again. He doesn't say anything while he pulls me into his arms holding me close. Only did he say something when I started to cry...He only spoke to whisper to me softly in my ear while I was turing his shirt wet with tears. He says, "It's okay, baby...it's okay...there's nothing wrong with crying...And it's not a lie...I swear it's not..."

I don't even argue. I don't have the strength with all this crying. Or maybe I just don't want to believe it's a lie. Maybe some part of me wants to believe he cares.

"I haven't cried for years until this week..." I admit still staying put with his arms around me protectively. "I hate it when I cry...I feel so...so weak and vulnerable..."

"It's okay to feel like that...there's nothing wrong with feeling like that..." he whispers again holding me a little tighter.

"I can't do this, James..." I say, thinking of moving away from his arms. I think it...but I'm not doing it. I can't bring myself to do it...I'm too weak to push him away. I'm too weak to remember how to be strong.

"You're not doing anything...I know you don't want to go through anything alone...I know you don't really want to fight me off right now..." He lets out a faint sigh, "But you do it anyway...Lily...Please...please just let me hold you for tonight..." He looks me in the eye again, wiping a tear away softly from my cheek. He finds a way to my hand and locks his fingers with mine...yet again it's comforting to me...

"Don't do this. Please..." I drop his hand from mine almost half-heartedly. I get up from the couch and move over to the fire place. Looking into it distracted. I probably look like a mess with my tear stains running down my face.

There's just...there's been...I can't explain it. There's been a change in James and a change in me. I hardly know myself anymore.

"Can I ask you something, Lily...?" I can feel his eyes on me.

"Sure, James...sure..." I at least owe him that I think...

"Why haven't you mentioned anythign about the other night?"

I turn around to look at him feeling stupid. I wipe away the last of my tears taking a deep breath befrore I say, "That ngith with Malfoy and Snape? I...Oh, James...I'm sorry...that was all my fault...I should've listened to you...You tried to tell me but I just wouldn't listen. I'm so sorry. And Inever thanked you for saving my life that nigh--"

"I didn't do anything that you need to thank me for." He looks down at the floor...this time to avoid _my_ eyes.

"Yes, you did. Without you, that night who knows what would've happened to me. Thanks..."

"Really. Don't thank me. But I wasn't talking about that night anyway, Lily."

"What night are you talking about then?" I'm so confused.

"When you saw me and Sirius in the Hosptial Wing. I know it was you."

"It was me? What was me?" I ask trying not to show my nerves.

"It was you under my invisibility cloak. What do you know?" He somehow finds a way to my eyes...and I don't look away. There's no use in it.

"I don't know anything," I say as calm as I can.

He stands back up and moves over to me. He looks me straight in the eye again only a few inches from me, making my knees weaken slightly and my heart race from nervousness. "Don't lie to me. Just...what do you know?"

"I just heard something about...about your family." I try to look away but I don't have the heart to.

"You mean you know about that summer?" How can he stay so calm about it?

"If that's when it happened then...then yes. I'm sorry, James."

"Don't be...It's not your fault. You didn't kill any of them. I don't want to talk about it. I just need to know if you knew or not." He breaks away from staring at my eyes to look down. "You should get some sleep, Lily. We've got class tomorrow."

I sigh, not saying anything for a moment. "James...?"

"Yes?"

"I just want to tell you...thank you," I say quietly taking a step away from the fire place and toward the stairs back to my room. "G'night..."

And then I leave. Nothing else said, and a thousand thoughts running through my mind. How in hell was I supposed to get through tomorrow morning?


	11. The Light

**Empty Vase**

Chapter 11: _The Light_

I don't see any use in trying to understand myself any longer. I don't see the use of anyone else trying either. If I can't even understand why I am the way that I am, how does anyone else expect to see me any better?

That's been running through my mind ever since last night. I wish more than anything right now that I wasn't so stubborn. I wish more than anything that I could learn to trust. I wish more than anything that I didn't regret last night.

After I left James in the common room, I went back to my own room. I went back to my own little secluded part of hell where I'm all alone once again. Not that I'm trying to complain or blame anyone other than myself for having that hell in the first place. I wouldn't dare give the fault to anyone else. I put myself here. I put myself through hell. I put myself through those long and cold, lonely nights of staying awake for hours and hours trying my best not to cry.

Weak people cry; I can't be weak. I was taught never to be weak. If I wanted something in life the only way to get it was to be strong and dependent on no one but me.

All though the irony of that is pretty pathetic on my part. If all I want to be is happy, then if I was so strong and dependent on me, why is that the thing I'm not? Why do I keep myself in all this constant pain to try to avoid getting even more hurt...but all it does is put me through more suffering? Why is _that_ the thing that keeps me in this hopeless state where I feel like every day is grey and I'll never live to see the light again?

Unless we're speaking of the light everyone tells us to avoid. You know that one that you see when you're on your death bed...and that huge sparkly lily-white light comes shining and blinding you? The one you're supposed to get away from to stay alive?

Stay alive for what? How the bloody hell can that light be so bad? Isn't it supposed to represent heaven or something along that sort? I guess I'm sorta envious of those people who have a reason to not want to walk toward that light when they're near death. I know I wouldn't be one of them. Not me. Never me. Those people that don't walk toward the light...they have a reason to stay. They have their own perfect heaven on Earth. They've found something so precious to them that they'd go through all that pain just to still be with it.

I can't say that I have something like that. Nor do I think I ever will.

Not that I don't wish I did. Of course I do. But to have something as special as that...is completely out of my reach. To have something like that, I'd have to find somebody who actually cared or loved me. I'm sure you've gotten the impression by now that I don't believe in love. I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that.

Truth is, I believe in love...but not any love that concerns me. I believe everyone has someone out there who loves them...whether it be a lover, your parents and family...or your best friend. I have no love of my life...I have no parents or family who care about me...I have no real best friend. I have no one but me. But maybe it's how it's supposed to be until that day I get to see my white light and heaven gates. Maybe I was meant to be all alone. Maybe solitude and loneliness is my best friend.

"Miss Evans! What on Earth are you doing sleeping in _my_ class!" I open my sleepy eyes to greet the eyes of a very angry looking poitions teacher. Professor Walters. I swear there must be some rule somewhere that states all potions teachers are grumpy, little bi--

"Evans! Answer my question!" It feels like it takes forver to process what she's saying. It sucks being this tired.

"I'm sorr--" I begin, but I'm silenced by my own yawn and the teacher cutting me off.

"There is no excuse for this. You are Head Girl. Learn what it means to be that! Det--!"

"You can't give her detention! That's not fair!" The entire class turns to stare at James who is in the back of of the room now standing. Oh no...shut up, James and just sit down before you get her ticked off even more.

"How do you know I was going to say 'detention', hmm Potter?" Too late. " Maybe I was going to say 'delightful you could join us again, Evans!'. You just assume I mean to give her a detention?" I see her eyebrow raise as she looks James up and down, her arms crossed and her foot gently tapping against the cold floor.

"Sure as hell wouldn't surprise me any if you just gave all Gryffindors detention," Sirius speaks up from beside James with one of those infamous (and oh so sickeningly handsome) smirks.

The teacher returns his smirk with one of her own, saying with a hiss of a voice, "I see, Black...so why don't you just join Evans and Potter in detention then?"

"What! When did I get detention!" James says almost mockingly right as I say: "NO!"

Something must've dawned upon the both of them at the same exact moment because they suddenly both looked distraught and panicked. I almost fall out of my seat from the sudden yelling in the classroom. Sirius and James were looking desperate beyond anything I've ever seen before.

"You can't do that! Please! Not tonight! I'll...give you a weeks worth of detention after tonight!" Our potions teacher studies James from behind her thin glasses a smile slowly creeping on her lips. "You mean...you would give anything to get out of detention tonight? You too, Black?"

They both shake their head extreamely half heartedly, turning to look at Remus, who all of the color has now been drained from his face. What's got them so desperate? Now of all times when they usually get detention and laugh it off?

"Then no. I'll take greater pleasure knowing that you're suffering being in this detention with me tonight. Although, I must admit, having Evans join you, Miss Prefect herself, is a _wonderful_ plus as well."

Oh great. A whole night with James. Right when I'm trying to escape from him, he catches back up with me somehow.

* * *

"Here. Give me your wand, Evans. I don't want you cheating. I can see now that you were obviously a bad choice for Head Girl (not that it wasn't clear to me before hand)," Miss Walters monotone and annoyingly dreary voice says snatching my wand from my hand. 

"You will get this back after you are done with your detention. Black and Potter are already waiting in here for you," she jabs the point of my wand toward the room beside us, "and you all will be cleaning in here tonight until it's all spic and span. Am I made clear?"

I nod my head a little, trying to focus and not fall asleep at the same time. She slams the door open using her wand (which seems so unnecessary when you can just be like everyone else and open the door by the handle) and we both step in to find a very upset looking James and a annoyed Sirius.

"Well. Have fun." I turn to see our Potions teacher give a final, satisfied smirk and leave the storage room with a click of the door telling us all it's been locked.

I don't think I've ever regretted not having had more sleep before. I tried so hard to sleep too. But it seemed impossible. Everytime I'd close my eyes I'd either be blinking away or tear or seeing the sad look on James' face that I had seen last night. I'd give anything for that look to have been what it seemed like. No one's ever looked at me like that before. He looked like he cared so much...like he wanted to help...like he...like he really loved me.

"You gonna help or just day dream, Lily?" Sirius asks shoving a mop into my hands snapping me back into reality. He kinda glares at me as he does.

It's so strange. I always see Sirius with a smile on his face. What's gotten him so mad all of a sudden?

"Um...I'm...I'm sorry..." I say nervously under his stare and I look away, anxiety building up in my chest just to look him in the eyes.

"You should be. You're the reason why we're here!" I find myself taking a step back from him scared of what he might do.

"Calm down, Padfoot. Yelling at her isn't going to make everything go away." James pulls on the back of Sirius' robes and away from me.

"It might make me feel better. What if something happens tonight, Prongs! What's Wormtail gonna do!"

"Moony has been through this tons of times. He'll be all right. Nothing's going to happen to anyone. So stop yelling at me and Lily."

"Are you sure you don't want me to yell at her because nothing will come from it or because--" and Sirius is cut off when he lays eyes on me again. It was like they had forgotten I was in the room entirely.

I look away from Sirius and back to James...but he won't even look at me.

I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but somewhere in the midst of all that we all began working on cleaning up without any of us saying a word to the other unless it happened to be "Sorry..." for getting in someone's way.

It was 1:20 by the time we finished and Professor Walters still hadn't come. By then we were all just assuming she had gone to sleep.

And I was getting the same idea. I'm laying on the floor next to a pile of some old text books called _The Way We Wizards Were_, and slowly drifting off to sleep. I wake a little when I hear Sirius make a loud grunting noise from the other side of the room.

"Oh geez, Sirius..." I say to myself looking over to see him cuddling with a mop as he sleeps.

"He's always like that." I jump a little at James' voice. He's sitting on the other side of the books on a bucket staring at the door looking fully awake.

"Heh...I'm...sorry...I think?" I say, not knowing anything else that would seem fitting to say after that. I'm nervous now. I hate it. I can feel my breath growing short and a knot forming in my chest painfully. "Look...James...I'm...I'm sorry I got you into detention..."

"Why would you be sorry? I did it. Not you. I chose to speak up and say something. You didn't force me to. It's my fault. I'm the one who's sorry. I won't ever bother you again. You made that pretty clear that that's what you wanted."

He finally looks at me. Only for a second. But in that second it felt like eternity just staring into those eyes. I look down, disappointed almost in myself to have wanted to stare into those eyes at least one more time. "I don't know what I want anymore..." my words come out in a whisper so quiet I don't think he even heard me.

It's true though. I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted James to just leave me alone and stop bothering me or trying to help me like I was weak or something...but...in it's own sick way...all his pestering kinda gave me this hope. Geez, if that didn't make me sound like an idiot, huh?

He's about to say something to me, obviously he had heard my pathetic whisper...but something stops him. There's a pounding on the door.

* * *

**_A/N: I know, I know. It's been like what? Forever? Before anyone starts to yell at me let me just say I am very ashamed of myself and very sorry. And no worries, for those who read my A Change of Heart story, I will be updating that too...sometime._**


	12. Living in Fear

**The Empty Vase**

This is for one very persistent reviewer whose reviews and consistent e-mails made me care enough to cancel plans and actually sit down and write something.

_**Chapter 12:** Living in Fear_

"Leave…me…alone…James," I recite slowly after marking my place in _A Tale of Two Cities_ and slamming my book shut to give James a disapproving look.

"We never finished talking last night. I just want to finish."

It's 5:30 in the morning. I'm just trying to read and he wants to finish some stupid conversation. Last night was our detention. I haven't slept since Walters let us out a few hours ago. I decided I should just read because it'd probably be useless to try and sleep. I've been sitting in the common room, minding my own business, and now James had to come along and ruin my silence and peace. He sits beside me in a large red cushioned chair. It looks even redder from the light of the fire in the fireplace near us.

"Well, maybe I don't want to finish," I inform him truthfully.

"Well, maybe I do. C'mon." He sounds so desperate as he says it.

"Why? Why do you even care?" I ask, setting the book aside, practically giving in to his wishes just by doing it.

"Because I want to know what you meant. You said you didn't know what you wanted anymore...why don't you know?"

"I don't wanna talk about this. It was stupid and I never should have said it in the first place. Please, leave me alone." I reach for my book but his hand goes to my wrist and stops me. He doesn't squeeze it hard and I could easily remove myself from his grasp. I don't though. I don't even know why I don't.

I glance down at his hand and then back to his face.

"You're scared…why won't you admit that you're scared?" He says it timidly but forceful enough to get his question heard.

"I'm not scared! What would I be afraid of?"

"Me." He lets go.

"You don't scare me, Potter. No one does."

I probably said the wrong thing. I always do. Something sets off in him. His face gets a little distorted and he gets up from his seat near me to stand.

"So you're fearless, is that it, Lily? Nothing scares the Great and Wonderful You? You're just immune to everything! And you don't give a damn about anyone or anything so you don't have to be scared for someone else either. You don't even know what it's like to be scared for someone else. Are you just selfish? Do you only give a damn when it's for your well-being? What _is _it, Lily? I'd _love _to know why you don't know what fear feels like because I'm so damn sick of feeling it every day. What gives you the right to not have to feel that?"

I can't believe him! I _can't_ believe him. The nerve. Who does he think he is anyway!

Ugh.

I turn my back and I start to just walk away, hands in fists shoved deep into my pockets storming out of the common room. My steps down the corridor are loud and fast-paced. I'm just trying to get away from him. What a bloody prick.

"Where do you think you're going? Stop!" The absolute _nerve_.

I stop in my place and whip around to see him. My hair flies all around me as I do before shortly falling upon my shoulders and back again. I don't even bother to stay quiet. My voice raises and I make _sure_ he gets how angry I am. "What for? You're so full of it. Everything that comes out of your mouth is complete bullocks. What even gives you the RIGHT to make a judgment like that? You don't know anything about me. So don't act like you do for one moment."

"I'll stop acting like I do once you stop acting like you're not afraid. Why are you so ashamed to be afraid?"

"Why are you so open with fear and vulnerability?"

"I'm not. Accepting my fear is what makes me less vulnerable."

"That's bullocks too. It makes no sense. What do you have to be afraid of anyway? What could be so damn scary in your life? The Great James Potter and his perfect bloody life to follow it. Flocks of girls all around him, perfect group of friends who actually love you, perfect family."

My last words hit him somewhere hard I can tell. I just get a disappointed look in response.

"What? Did I push a button? Should I do it again? Will poor Jamesie cry if I do?"

"At least I know how to. Admit it…don't you wish you could cry right now? I see your eyes brimming with tears."

A hand automatically goes to my eyes and wipes it quickly, checking if he's right. I hadn't even noticed. I try to dry my eyes but it's becoming harder. "Shut it. I don't want your bull shit and your pity," I say threateningly, glaring at nothing but the floor so he doesn't see my weakness in my eyes…or the tears that are just as threatening to fall.

"Who said it was pity or bull shit? Don't think for one minute I feel bad for you for being like this. This is _your_ fault, Lily. I'm sorry, and I lov--" He pauses and I look up at him when he does. What was he about to say? "I can't take this, Lily. If you really wanted to get better, than you would. I think you're so worried about everyone feeling sorry for you, you didn't even realize…the only person giving pity to you…is yourself."

I choke on my words…or maybe I'm choking on my tears.

"Am I right? You know I am. Who lately has felt sorry for you? Me? That's not true. I just want to help but you didn't give a damn that I'm trying. I don't even know if you ever will. I don't even know why I bothered…Maybe everyone's right…you'll never change. You don't even want to."

I finally find my words again. "Change for who? You, James? Why bother? You don't know what I've gone through…you don't know what I've seen…you don't know what I've felt. You don't know anything about fear because I've lived in fears for years and years of my life and I will never let me go back there again. That is the last place I ever wanna go." And I realize…I'm not talking about my father anymore…I'm talking about something deeper…I'm talking about something that no letter James could have ever read would have ever let him know just what it is.

I can't believe I'm still afraid of him. After all these years. After all that I've left behind…I'm still just as afraid as I was when I was five. It hurts just as bad.

"You're right, Lily. I'll leave you alone. I've given up. You won't listen to me. Even if I told you anything…you wouldn't believe me…or you wouldn't care. I'm gone. Finished. You don't have to deal with me anymore." He's not joking. He's actually being serious. Wait—don't turn around. Where is he going? Why is he doing this?

…why is he giving up on me?

"James, wait!" But he doesn't turn around for me. He just…keeps walking. What I'd give for him to just look back.

His footsteps are faint as he walks away from me, and with him…he took all my hope and faith in anything.

* * *

"_Lillian…oh Lillian…c'mere. I have a surprise for you." A deep raspy voice calls from within my dreams. He looks just the same. Big glasses with tape on one side because he's too cheap to replace them…face greasy…beer in hand…dirty clothes. Hasn't changed a bit._

"_No...Please…I…I don't wanna go. Please. P-P-Petunia ca-can we go? Please?" _

"_Yeah, c'mon Lily…L-lets go…" I feel my sister's hand being placed into my own…and we start to run._

_We were never fast enough though. Not once were we ever fast enough._

"_Oh no you don't! You will listen to me! Don't you dare disrespect me." My hair is yanked from behind me and tears instantly form in my eyes, from pain…or from fear. I don't know. _

_I'm pulled back towards him and I feel my body tense up. It all feels so real again…even if it's just a dream._

"_Now, are you going to be a good little girl and stay still for you good ol' buddy, Jack?"_

_And now I'm crying. My five year old tears streaming down my face and landing upon his dirty shirt. "Please! Let me go!" I'm kicking…as hard as I can…Why is it never good enough?  
_

_I watch as his hand raises above me, his class ring still on it, still as dull looking as ever…and I stare transfixed as the hand swings back down and hits me across the face. I scream in pain and I grasp the side of my cheek where I can feel blood trickling down slowly._

"_Stop! Please! Stop! I just want to go home…" I whimper out weakly, just right before we're thrown into that same damn shed…I hold onto Petunia for all dear life…crying into her shoulder…praying for someone to come help us…No one does though. No one ever did. _

"_I'll be back, you little brats." He slams the door and I hear the familiar lock that I've come so accustomed to over the years. I begin to shake once I feel Petunia's shaking body on me too._

"STOP IT!"

I hear screaming calling to me to wake up and I'm finally shaken so hard I fall off the couch I had been sleeping on and onto the floor at the feet of the poor soul who had to listen to me. "Lily! Lily! Wake up! You're having a nightmare! Wake up! It's not real! It's not real!" I'm not even sure how I ended back up in the Common Room...it doesn't matter though I guess because I'm here now.

I'm still shaking. I can't bear to look up and see who's there. If it's James...I don't know what I'll do...

"Lily...?"

"H-Hey Sirius..." I don't know why...but instead of feeling happy that it's not him...I feel...disappointed.

"Are you okay...?"

"Yeah...I-I-I'm fine...why do you ask?"

"Because you were screaming at the top of your lungs...that's why."

I look up at him, I swallow down a sob and I don't bother to wipe my tears this time...I help myself up, with two shaky arms and a shallow breath. "I...I need to leave...I...I'm so sorry...tell James I'm so sorry..."

He looks confused...and worried...and he whispers, "You can tell him yourself...he's over there." He points a finger over towards the fireplace and I follow where he points.

There he is. Just standing there. Face pale, and hand on the arm of his chair to keep balanced...

I find my strength finally staring at him. I pick myself up fully and I run out the commons once more...and I keep running. I don't stop for anything. I don't stop until I've made it outside by the lake...and even then...I pause for only a moment...until I run into the Forbidden Forest...

I forbid myself to cry like this...to remember like this...to hate like this...so I felt that's probably the most appropriate place to run to.

**Mmkay, well…I don't care if it's short…or anything like that…or how long it took to post. I just FINALLY found my inspiration…and so now I feel like I'm going to be writing like crazy. For all of my stories. Just not this one. So here you go. I hope it wasn't complete crap.**


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